IELTS TASK II : "Mother is the dead heart of the family" - Fatherhood vs Motherhood

hi, essayers Please kindly commented mine. I can't wait for your corrections.

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood". The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.

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There is a saying from an Australian Female eunuch "Mother is the dead heart of the family". This saying may imply in the concept that mother is solely responsible in bringing up their child but the concept changed nowadays. Therefore, emphasizing fatherhood as the happening concept should be pondered as the way to build togetherness in order to bring the children up. I want to examine that both concepts might walk altogether for several reasons.

Firstly, the old view people often separated mother and father in the two big roles; mother responsible at home and father responsible as the breadwinner. Linear with world developing, mothers do work for earning money commonly seen in many part of world. Therefore, a family with working mother may need support from father also in order to caring their child a working mother may over exhaust after several job duties. Hence, accompanying their child doing homework, playing, and make a joke with them are such unimportant while the children in their development totally need mother's love. In this case, fatherhood may chip in to accompany children.

Secondly, father may attach with tough skills and mother with soft skills. Children learn how to interact and to show their feelings softly from mother while father related to decision making, surviving and braving in the term to face life obstacle. Taking an example, an elementary boy is in a crush with his classmate; in this case, learning the way to forgive each other is a lesson from motherhood and the way to solve it is fatherhood's lesson.

The aforementioned above are the reasons that not only motherhood take essential but also fatherhood in the child caring. Furthermore, equality of motherhood and fatherhood take a benefit especially for children in a family. Children can be attached in both of them and trained to gain great personality. As an example, a girl gets love and compassion side as the successful of motherhood, and become a great decision maker as fatherhood succeeds. This is actually different with children who get caring from deviant portion parenthood which usually made a boy, for example, is tough enough but lack when expressing his feeling.

In conclusion, either fatherhood or motherhood has importance in different side in term of well-mature process. Obviously, each side of parenting should do well altogether.

Good writing but still reasons should be elaborated a bit.

This saying may imply in the conceptidea that mother is solely responsible infor bringing up theirher child but the concept changed nowadays.

You need to improve clarity of your sentences and attend to your grammar too.
First, according to the traditional view, the mother and father have been assigned with their separate roles and responsibilites; mother being responsible for home matters while father being responsible for providing the family with means.


... Linear with world developing? What does that mean?

Hi SHanafi,


This sentence is lacking in cohesiveness. There appears to be more breaks in sentence formation. Try to frame complex sentence structure to ease the reader.

I remember that I pointed out this point that " Try to present your idea in simple manner " Because I feel it is hard to understand your ideas. As a reader I often left in a state of assumption.

Please don't get discourage on my comments. I am trying to help you out of your difficulty you are facing.

Try to follow the suggestions given by Dumi regarding Essay structures and the components to include in your introduction.

Regards,
Arun

is this sentence right in grammar?


I believe this conclusion is too simple, maybe you need to enhance it

Do you write a 5-paragraph essay? Yes. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D