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WRITING IELTS ESSAY: Mothers should spend most of their time raising their children


gianggiangvn 6 / 12 2  
Sep 18, 2021   #1
Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time raising their children, and therefore the government should support them financially.

Do you agree or disagree?



While many people opine that mother's major responsibility is taking care of their offspring; therefore, they should be unemployed and receive financial aid from government. However, personally, I firmly believe that mothers, together with fathers, should join hands in raising their children rather than accept government's monetary support.

On the one hand, it is true that a mother plays important roles in a family in nurturing their offspring and needs to focus on them. A child requires love and care from their mother in order that he or she can fully grow up physically and emotionally because there is no room for ignorance, isolation or uncertainty. This is why their time should be laid on the young generation instead of office work, business or making ends meet. Indeed, the financial support from government is crucial to help a family function well by guaranteeing fixed income every year; thus the only concern of a mother is their beloved children. With the assistance of the authorities, females can employ her skills, strengths and energy for the better prospect of their family in general and their direct descendants in particular.

On the other hand, despite the importance of mother's role in raising children, they should be in paid employment instead of being at home. In fact, both mothers and fathers are equal in sharing their parenting duties. A child should acquire affection, education, and care from both parents so that they can develop and mature naturally thanks to this strong foundation. Additionally, when a dad works, a mom stays at home, and the government distributes money limitedly, their children have difficulty in affording what they really demand; as a result, a dad must work harder and a mom must spend money practically and economically to raise a whole family. Last but not least, the government should allocate their budget wisely to other fields in our society such as healthcare, welfare and education in line with a positive future for everybody.

In conclusion, there is no doubt that a mother's duties of nurturing their children is irrefutable. Besides, the government should support a family by stimulating a father's role in a family and investing money in some other sectors.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,678 4113  
Sep 20, 2021   #2
While many people opine that mother's major responsibility is taking care of their offspring

Hanging sentence. There must be a reason provided either before or after the word " while". This is an example of an incoherent thought presentation.

therefore, they should be unemployed and receive financial aid from government.

This is the reason for the previous statement. Therefore, it should come first in the paragraph set-up. Presenting this first clarifies the subject of the sentence.

*Please improve on sentence presentation and development skills.

I firmly believe

Incorrect response format. Use the provided response choice by simply stating an agreement or disagreement in a simple sentence prior to the thesis sentence.

On the one hand

On the other hand

Incorrect reasoning format. The essay is a single opinion defense. refrain from using a comparative format where it is not required in the orginal prompt. Only the paragraph aligned with the stated opinion will recieve a score. The essay will fail due to the incomplete discussion presentation/ defense.


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