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Movies & TV affect people. 'Vietnamese man who hasn't gone to other countries'


kurapika312 1 / 3  
Apr 9, 2014   #1
Topic 7: How do movies or TV affect people?
The 20th century witnessed a great amount of discoveries and inventions, many of which changed our way of live drastically. TV is a typical example for those changes. Thanks to TV, ordinary people can have views of things happening all over the world, therefore broadening their general knowledge. TV also provides householders with so much guide and assistance that facilitate their lives significantly. Finally, TV helps improve relationships between people. These points will be examined closely as follows.

First of all, knowledge can be acquired owing to televisions. A person living in some tropical country may be curious about wildlife in the North Pole. By watching Discovery channel, he or she can get the notion of how well a polar bear camouflages in order to hunt rabbits in the most vivid way, which is obviously impossible without television. The more knowledge we have, the more self-confident we feel about ourselves. Therefore, television can improve mental intellectual aspects of human's life.

Secondly, television gives us aid in our daily life. There are 24/7 live broadcasts on TV which inform us of current hot deals in the market as well as where we can purchase them. In the early 20th century, people might have read newspaper frequently and still found it hard to procure things they wanted. Now, television provides them with contacts so that customers can possess necessary items in the simplest and most convenient way.

Last but not least, it is television that eases the way we interact with each other. I am a Vietnamese man who hasn't gone to other countries. However, thanks to movies and films shown on television, I can understand another culture. I know how Indian people cook their curry so I can talk to my Indian friend at university about it more comfortably. I can learn about Japanese etiquette of drinking tea, so I can gossip with my Japanese roommate more and more. These are necessary especially when we now live in a flatter world where virtually all borders can be erased thanks to technology.

To sum up, television benefits us in many aspects of life. Of course one can argue that bad things and wrongdoings may accompany with those benefits, but judging on the way we lead our life now, television has a positively integral part in every single family.

Can someone please let me know my weaknesses. I will take the TOEFL in 2 days so it would be kind of anyone to provide me with some remark so I can improve a little bit.

Thanks a lot.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 10, 2014   #2
First, it is good if you included the purpose of writing , for example TOEFL , IELTS etc. in the title itself so that it helps you gain more feedbacks :) I understand this is for TOEFL.
OP kurapika312 1 / 3  
Apr 10, 2014   #3
Thank you very much. I am going for TOEFL ibt.
By the way, I'm also confused between complication and simplification. In Barron's guide, the model essays seem very well structured with a great deal of parallelism. However, there are not many "hard" words used in the book, which is contrasted by the 185 model essay for toefl writing where far more complicated structures and words are thrown in here and there. I don't know which one should be better, can anyone suggest me what to do in this case. Thanks you very much.
niesaysi 16 / 290 85  
Apr 10, 2014   #4
TV- spell this ou t "Television" . "TV" is just used in normal discourse.

These points will be examined closely as follows.

Delete this. It is already understood that you will enumerate your points in the next paras.

First of all, knowledge can be acquired owing to televisions.

Firstly, watching significant television shows can help people gain knowledge.

By watching Discovery channel, he or she can getthe notionvisually knowof how well a polar bear camouflages in order to hunt rabbits in the most vivid way, which is obviously impossible to know without television.

hope this helps :)
OP kurapika312 1 / 3  
Apr 10, 2014   #5
Great, thanks niesaysi. The outsider is always smarter than the insider, I guess.
Your corrections make my essay more natural.
Can I ask whether my wording seems too simple and informal?
niesaysi 16 / 290 85  
Apr 11, 2014   #6
There are 24/7 live broadcasts on TV

"24/7' means 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The bold part is not universally known; others may misunderstand that. Better not abbreviate it.

Now, television provides them with contacts so that customers can possess necessary items in the simplest and most convenient way.

Great idea!

Last but not least

I think you may simply say , "Lastly" .

These are necessary especially when we now live in a flattervirtua l world where virtually people can communicate through all borders can beerasedthanks to technology.

television benefits us in many aspects of life

To sum up, we can benefit television in many aspects of our life.

bad things and wrongdoings

You can't use both in one sentence. Otherwise, it will be redundant.

Can I ask whether my wording seems too simple and informal?

To be frank, you answer the prompt clearly. With regards to grammatical structure, above are my edits. Hope those help you.
OP kurapika312 1 / 3  
Apr 11, 2014   #7
Thank you very much. Though some of the ideas are misunderstood by you, or I can simply say my assumption of people's general knowledge is not quite precise, or my ideas are not clearly stated in my essay.

Anyways, tomorrow is the day. I will report my test. Thanks you all.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 14, 2014   #8
Developing the classical five paragraph essay or more will send you to earn a very impressive result, but this should be followed by a succinct explanation, coherent sentences, grammar error-free, colloquial usage, etc. Otherwise, you may get an average score.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 15, 2014   #9
First of all, knowledge can be acquired owing to televisions.

Try direct speech. You can express ideas much clearer and effectively when you write in direct speech, not passive;
First of all, people can gain a lot of knowledge by watching television.

Secondly, television gives us aid in our daily life.

....aid? what sort of aid? This sentence is not very clear to the reader as to what you mean by that :(
Secondly, the Television keeps ourselves inspired.


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