Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 4


yenle999 2 / 4 1  
Jun 28, 2020   #1

number of movies seen by people of different age

The line graph illustrates the percentage of movies which people from 18 to 65 years old saw in a theatre during the 15 years.

It can be seen that between 2000 and 2015, the number of movies seen by the teenagers at 18-24 years old had a remarkable increase while the number of films seen by the age from 25-65 decreased sharply at the same time.

In the beginning, the rate of movies which the people from 45-65 years old watched in the theatre was the highest among the age group, at nearly 15%. Meanwhile, the figures for the 18-24 and 25-44 age range were quite low at 10% and 12 % respectively. From 2000 to 2010, there was a downward trend in the average number of movies seen in the theatre by 25-44 and 44-65 year-olds people while the age from 18-24 years old rose to 12% in 2005 and remained steadily till 2010. In 2016, under 8% of movies in the theatre was chosen by people from 25-65 years old while the number of films seen by 18-24-year-olds continued growing, up to 14%.

wmm88 - / 2  
Jun 28, 2020   #2
... in a theatre during the 15 years.
a period of 15 years.

... of movies seen watched by the teenagers at individuals between 18 and 24 years of age...... etc.

This looks great! Good luck, let me know if you need more help
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,816 2619  
Jun 29, 2020   #3
You have your information reversed in your presentation. Use the actual years in the summary overview and then the yearly presentation in the trending sentence. You should make sure that your trending sentence combines with your summary overview so that you can always meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement for the paragraph.

Your first and second sentences, which should be combined to create a paragraph, are run-on sentences. You are allowed a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. That is because each thought process, data report, or image description should be individually presented rather than combined into one long sentence. Remember, a long sentence does not always represent a complex sentence. Specially if the sentence presentation of 2 different data profiles are separated only by a comma.

Although you wrote more than the minimum required word count, the essay does not follow the expected 3 paragraph format. Mostly because of the error in overview presentation and lack of proper comparison points for the overlapping information in the graph. Had you included the comparison discussion for overlapping data, you would have met the 3 paragraph requirement without a problem. There were 2 overlapping points that should have been presented as a stand alone paragraph.
Sam Sam Nguyen 1 / 3  
Jun 29, 2020   #4
by 25-44 and 44-65 year-olds (without 's') people ...