Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 8

"Moving into the land of dream" how to improve my narrative essay


8jhoi8 1 / 3  
Feb 1, 2011   #1
Moving into the Land of Dream

It was Saturday a family day. I wake up by the morning light with the thick coffee aroma filling into the room. I wake up with a yawn but still laying down because of my laziness. I can feel the tender sun wrapping me around giving me warmth. I then stood up nearly tumbling from the lost of balance and went down the stairs. There I saw my husband drinking coffee, and reading the newspaper at the same time. My Son Christian was as usual watching T.V while eating his cookie. I on the other hand went outside to get some fresh air. [...]

OP 8jhoi8 1 / 3  
Feb 1, 2011   #2
can anyone help to improve my essay its my first time doing this so i need some suggestion! very much appreciated :)
khushiGul 3 / 13  
Feb 1, 2011   #3
It was Saturday a family day. Instead of family day you can use a holiday spending time with family members

I wake up by the morning light with the thick coffee aroma filling into the room. I wake up with a yawn but still laying down because of my laziness. I can feel the tender sun wrapping me around giving me warmth. I then stood up nearly tumbling from the lost of balance and went down the stairs. There I saw my husband drinking coffee, and reading the newspaper at the same time. My Son Christian was as usual watching T.V while eating his cookie. I on the other hand went outside to get some fresh air.

above paragraph some times I feel that you are talking present situation but some times past. I don't know exact grammar but you should use It is Saturday or if you want to talk about past you should write 'I woke up with a yawn but still laid down .. I was feeling the tender sun ..'.

I sank into my seat with a cold cup of lemonade. - I didn't understand
I shocked out , I looked at him and patiently waiting until his done talking. When his has done I began to asked him a lot of questions "We're moving?" How could we move? Howwhat about our business? What about Yy our work? I asked too many questionsin to my husband and he explained it to me carefully; but still I don't want to leave my country.

Ever since, it was his dream to come and live in this country. He said that there is a lot of oppurnity opportunity living in the land of free. Thinking about moving just made me burst into tears. I began to call my parents and my husband relatives to let them know we are having decision to leave the country.

A day went by its time tocome to say goodbye!
We will have a beautifulbright future in America.
" Yes, I could do many things in Philippines, but I also would be able to do many things in America. When the airplane arrived in Detroit. We stranded there due to inclement weather. So, we need to spent our night on the Detroit airport. And waiting for the next flight going to Greensboro. In fourteen hours of journey I feelfelt so exhausted, tired and sleepy. When we arrived at the Greensboro airport my husband new employer and his associates patiently waiting for us to come out on the waiting area. They help us to pick up our luggage. They started introducing each others and after that we went to a restaurant to get something to eat. We stayed at my Aunt`s house for almost a month they are guiding us to adjust how to live in this country.

After a month we already find our place to stayfound an apartment (house) to stay . We started living on our own house . During the first two months, I had a great time with my husband and son I feel like I am really free. This is a beautiful country. Everything is different, different language, different food, and different people. Everything is new to me . I was like a newborn baby, and many things I didn't know, and I had to learn everything again. Then, it was the time for my son to go kindergarten. I enrolled him to the public school in Greensboro. They asked me "how long you been here" Can you speak English? Everybody asked me. Even though I studied English in my country, I couldn't speak at all. I felt like my tongue got numb inside and my body started to shake. I felt so bad that day and very disappointed to myself. Every time I go somewhere I needed my husband with me. I couldn`t speak to anybody. I was like a baby. I lost my confidence. And I began to hate everything here, I hated the people, I hated myself, I hated that my husband brought me here to America. I miss my home, my family, my friends everything in our country. And things began worsen. I felt like in going to go crazy.

Until my Husband suggested that I need to go back to school. And that when we move here in Wilmington. The first thing I did was practice driving, after I got my driver's license I went to café fear community college to register and I got accepted. I went home with a big smile on my face. Then my confidence got back and I began to like America. Right now I am very happy in CfCC; it wasis a nice place the people is nice and friendly. My English was better now but my son still made fun of me because of my strange accent. Even though I can`t speak it very well, I believe I will be able to speak well someday. I believe the saying "If others can do why can`t I" so for me learning has no ending.

I don't know much about grammar but still I suggested what I feel. Cross check from others.

Most of women who has English is a second language suffering this situation. But your writing is good and heart touchable.

Best luck :)
OP 8jhoi8 1 / 3  
Feb 2, 2011   #4
Thanks for your advice
very much appreciated :-)
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Feb 2, 2011   #5
There are some gramma errors, I guess. However, here are the 2 paraghaps that I suggest in my way. If I have time, I will comeback for other paraghaps

=> It was Saturday, a family day. (add comma)
=> Waking up by the morning light with the thick coffee aroma filling into the room, I yawned but still laying down because of my laziness.(combine 2 sentences, use past tense)

=> I could feel the tender, warm sun wrapping around me; then, I stood up nearly tumbling from the lost of balance and went down the stairs.

=> There, I saw my husband drinking coffee and reading the newspaper at the same time (no comma before and)
=> My Son, Christian, was as usual watching T.V while eating his cookies.
=> To get some fresh air, I stepped outside. (add comma, you are not comparing, so don't use in the other hand)

=> It was summer time in my country.
=> I felt like a boiling egg in the sun. My black hair was hot when I touched[; the asphalt had strange mist coming out.] (in this sentence you are talking about your hair, so don't combine with asphalt, there are 2 different things, so you better combine something like this [I felt like a boiling egg in the sun; even though, my hair was extremely burn when I touched it]

=> I flopped into a chair with a cold cup of lemonade, but I still couldn 't handle the hot air. So, I wanted to go to my room, but (while,as...) when I was in the middle of the stairs way, I saw my husband was talking on the phone. I didn't want to interrupt him but as I heard the words, "America, moving, and working there", so I noticed. Shockingly, I looked at him and waited until he finished talking. When he had done, I began to ask him a lot of questions "Are we moving? How about our business? What about your work?" I asked so many questions, and my husband explained them to me carefully. However, I still didn't want to leave my country. Ever since, it was his dream to come and live in America. He said that there is a lot of oppurnity living in the land of freedom. Thinking about moving just made me burst into tears. I began to call my parents and my husband's relatives to let them know we had had a decision to leave our own country.
OP 8jhoi8 1 / 3  
Feb 2, 2011   #6
hi Kathy

Thanks you so much for your time ! i like the way you revised my essay!
i passed my rough draft today and i recieved a lot of grammatical issues.
i really need some help because i having some difficuties in my english.
and my final due is on friday.
thanks.

please comeback soon...:-)
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Feb 3, 2011   #7
Hi Jhoi Go
I just try as much as posible because I myself also need help to, but I can show you some basic grammar errors. I'm looking at your essay quickly then. Goodluck

I like your essay, your feeling like what I felt when I first came here too! Yes, I believe you will be succeed in your learning

=>It's time to say goodbye! My heart began to ache and I started to cry. I remember vividly that day,December 19, 2008, five days before Christmas, the day we left our country. While we were sitting on the airplane from Philippines bound to Greensboro, I was thinking about my family, my friends, and our future. I thought, "Why do we need to go to America? Everything here is fine". I knew that my mother is worried about me. Suddenly I heard my husband talking to me "don't think too much, everything will going to be alright. We will have a beautiful future in America." Yes, I could do many things in Philippines, but I also would be able to do many things in America. When the airplane arrived in Detroit. We stranded there due to inclement weather. So, we needed to spent our night on the Detroit airport and waiting for the next flight going to Greensboro. In (I think "with", but I'm not sure) fourteen hours of journey, I felt so exhausted, tired, and sleepy. When we arrived at the Greensboro airport, my husband's new employer and his associates (co-workers? if you mean the people who work with your husband) patiently waiting for us at the waiting area. They helped us to pick up our luggages. They started introducing one another (if more than 2 people, use one another, if 2 people use each other), and after that we went to a restaurant to get something to eat. Afterward, we had stayed at my aunt's house for almost a month; she(you're talking about your aunt, so you "she", instead of "they") guided (give information, show...) us how to adjust to new live in this country.

=>After a month, we already found a place to stay and started living on our own. During the first two months, I had a great time with my husband and son. I felt like I am really free (use some other word, don't use free, because you had lived free in your country too, use something like "I felt so much better" or " I felt as if I were in a heaven" (just kidding). This is a beautiful country. Everything is different, different language, different food, and different people. Everything was new to me. I was like a new person, who needed to learn many new things. Eventually, it was the time for my son to go to kindergarten. I enrolled him to the public school in Greensboro. Everybody asked me, "How long have you been here? Can you speak English?" Although I studied English in my country, I couldn't understand nor speak at all. I felt like my tongue got numb inside and my body started to shake. I felt so bad that day and very disappointed to myself. Every time I needed to go to somewhere, my husband had to accompanied with me. I couldn't communicate (don't use speak all the time) to anybody because of my limited English. As a result, I began to hate everything in here. I hated people, myself, and my husband, who brought me here to America. I missed my home, relatives, friends, and everything in my native country. Things began worsen. I felt like I would going to go crazy.

=> Worrying about my situation, my husband suggested that I need to go back to school. So that we moved here in Wilmington. The first thing I did was practicing driving. After I got my driver's license, I went to café fear community college to register and I was accepted. I went home with a big smile on my face. Then my confidence got back and I began to like America. Right now I am very happy in CfCC; it is (use "is" because the college still there and still nice)a nice place, the people are nice and friendly. My English is better now but my son still makes fun of ("make fun of" ="teasing" too) me because of my (English,Philipine because "accent~strange") accent. Even though I can't speak English very well, I believe I will be able to speak well someday. I believe the saying "If others can do why can't I" so for me learning has no ending.
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Feb 3, 2011   #8
Here are some edits
=> It was time to say goodbye!
=> When the airplane arrived in Detroit, we stranded there due to inclement weather
=> ...our night at the Detroit airport and...


Home / Writing Feedback / "Moving into the land of dream" how to improve my narrative essay