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Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to...


Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 1, 2012   #1
Hi guys! I'm Edna, 17 and I'm from Vietnam :)
Please check out my essay and tell me what should be improved. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated and thanks in advance :x

Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to increasing globalization. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of living and working in a multicultural society. (Write an essay of 300 words and support your position with specific examples.)

Multiculturalism is where a variety of many different ethnic groups live together within the same society. In a multicultural society, there is not an official culture that every person must be a part of but all cultures are respected equally. In general, a multicultural society is formed when people from many different countries all migrate to one place. So what are the positive sides and what are the negative ones when living and working in a multicultural society?

Through multiculturalism, we have opened our minds and have had the opportunities to expose to many different things. Plus the country has benefits from it economically in many ways. What is more, living in such a society makes people more tolerant of each other, even if they are from very different backgrounds. Moreover, in a multicultural society, individuals are able to practice any religion they choose. They can wear what they want, eat what they like and can be able to practice their customs.

However, living in a country with different cultural values you are likely to experience conflicting beliefs. Futhermore, everything we see around us has been influenced in some ways by different cultures - our clothes, daily routine, music, food, art, sport are all as they have been mixed without distinctive cultural features.

In conclusion, there will always be those who claim that multiculturalism has taken away a particular national identity. To my mind, national identity is never fixed and everyone has their own integration of what belongs to their nations. And globalization means that it is clearly better for individuals to be familiar with different cultures.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 1, 2012   #2
This is a very good topic to write about. And you have some very good points in your essay.
Here are a few suggestions....

there is not an official culture that every person must be a part of but all cultures are respected equally

.... saying "official culture" doesn't seem to sound too good. Try rephrasing the sentence like this.
There is no prominent culture in this kind of society. All cultures are respected equally and everyone is a part of each culture.

So what are the positive sides and what are the negative ones when living and working in a multicultural society?

... Try to keep questions inside the essay short.

Through multiculturalism, we have opened our minds and have had the opportunities to expose to many different things.

... There are a few grammar mistakes in this sentence.
Through multiculturalism, we have the opportunity to expose ourselves to many different things. This would enrich our knowledge about the world. ... I take that by saying "opened our minds" you are referring to the knowledge one has about the world.

Overall you have done a good job. Hope my suggestions are of use to you. :)
kkevinparkk 2 / 2 1  
Dec 1, 2012   #3
I thought the essay was thoughtful!
And also, can you please check my essay also? It'll be greatly appreciated! :]
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 1, 2012   #4
Thank you so much for your feedback Pahan ^^ Those will help me a lot in getting higher marks :D
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 1, 2012   #5
:D no problem. If you rewrite the essay please post it here. I'm very happy to help you. As I said before you have pointed out some very good ideas, but i think its presentation you need to improve on. Keep on writing so and you will get better and better. And always try to enjoy it. :D

Hope you get high marks for your exam.
Good luck. (Y)
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 2, 2012   #6
Er... i'm not so interested in writing essays cause' I find it hard to arrange the ideas.
I spent 2days writing for this essay you know :))
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 2, 2012   #7
:D hahahahaaa

But writing is a very important skill you know :D
You cannot master it without practicing :D .... Read good essays as Dumi often suggests to the guys who practice for TOEFL and IELTS. It helps a lot!

Don't let your good ideas go waste... Pen them down; rather type them here and post ... I will keep helping you!
Cheer up my friend! :D
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 2, 2012   #8
Dumi?? Who's that?
By the way, like the " I will keep helping you " Lol
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 2, 2012   #9
Dumi?? Who's that?

Hi Edna!
That's me :D
kissingyou0912 8 / 29  
Dec 2, 2012   #10
I think you can combine some sentences together to make it smoother.
And is it possible if we use a question in an essay?
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 2, 2012   #11
Oh hi ^^ So happy to hear from you :D
Hope you do care about some of my essays if you have time and.... :) glad to know you :x
(btw, r u Pahan's teacher??)
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 2, 2012   #12
Glad to meet you too .... Sure I will help you with your essays!

(btw, r u Pahan's teacher??)

....LOL :D

Well... we are both from Sri Lanka and know each other well : )

What is the exam you are preparing for? It's better to know because each exam has its specific requirements with regard to essay structure. The best way to earn marks is to follow that particular structure well : )

Hope to see more threads from you!
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 2, 2012   #13
Er...it's like an International Exam ( 10 students from many regions within Vietnam will take part in this battle haha )
You know this exam is based on the IELTS and we have to go through 4 sections ( I mean Listening, Speaking, Reading & Writing.... And I'm extremely bad at Writing @@ )

I'm gonna take it next year - at the beginning of January.
You know I used to be very worried about this examination but....not anymore because I have you from the back haha ( Am I using correctly?? I mean the phrase " from the back " :)) )
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 2, 2012   #14
You know I used to be very worried about this examination but....not anymore because I have you from the back haha ( Am I using correctly?? I mean the phrase " from the back " :))

Of course we will back you :D .... this phrase is right :D

"I have you with me " is more appropriate :D

English is a passive language... Most of our Asian languages are not passive.... therefore for us, English sentences start from the reverse :D
"I back you" and "you stand right behind me" .... that's how it goes
Let's respect diversity of all forms :D .... Whether it's cultural, linguistic, racial, religious etc.etc.... After all we are human!
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 2, 2012   #15
Thanks for all :)
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 5, 2012   #16
Hai..
I will give you more ideas..

Adv
It will enrich the artists. Stimilates innovation and creativity.
Country will be a fav. Destination of tourists.

Dis adv

If minority groups rights are neglected, it may lead to conflict.
May reduce the wages of employees, leaving local residents unemployed.
OP Edna 7 / 19 7  
Dec 5, 2012   #17
Thank you so much for your supporting ideas :) I'll put that in my essays :)
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 6, 2012   #18
Hai..

Make your own sentance and use the ideas

Tessy


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