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Writing task 2 - Music is able to connect people from distinctive cultures and ages

jacky99 3 / 5 2  
Aug 24, 2020   #1
Topic :
Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Similarity to some argue that music is an optimal choice for those who want to gather people from distinctive cultures and ages, I believe that music always plays an essential role in our society, particularly to unite and connect people from numerous nations in the world.

Thanks to the proliferation of technology, music could be quickly widespread across borders between one nation and other nations. Even though people come from different backgrounds, cultures, and languages that it is struggled for them to understand the meaning of lyric when listening to foreign music, they do have the ability to experience the rhythm of the music. Therefore, people could evaluate the music video produce by international artists. Besides, if they fond of that, they could be one of the fan communities who love to listen to the music produce by these artists. Their group members will share the music and information related to that artist in tandem with a vast myriad of comments from fans from different cultures post on this topic and how they connect and build relationships among group members. For example, many Vietnamese people are keen on the K-pop music band and join together with communities from other countries to unite in one group who loves that band.

The creation of music destroys the boundary among generations, utilizing the cutting-edge program, the producer could mix traditional music and modern music to create new music suitable for both old and young age. For instance, there is various remix music on the Internet, and some music contests are performed by music artists based on the traditional lyric and modern beat, which attract every generation from old to young.

In conclusion, the power of music is enormous and unique in its ability to generate shared experiences among people from different cultures and ages.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,635 3478  
Aug 24, 2020   #2
There is no extent response in your essay as required by the original prompt. Therefore, your essay will not be given the best possible TA score. You failed to address the question directly with an extent response. While you did give an opinion in relation to the topic, the format is incorrect as there is no degree of agreement or disagreement given based on the 2 discussion topics. So your essay, though longer than usual, does not reflect the expected discussion format for the topic.

Your first reasoning paragraph is running too long. It is over discussing but under representing the explanation. What I mean is that the clarity of your meaning is lost due to the existence of 2 different discussion topics in one paragraph. Your first reason is under represented when compared to the second topic in the same paragraph. You should always keep the stronger reasoning topic in the presentation. In this case, the second topic would have probably been the best choice.

The second reasoning paragraph could also use more explanation in relation to clarity and further discussion developments. You gave an example in the paragraph but then failed to build on that example. So the paragraph is under developed in the presentation. The same goes for your single sentence conclusion. It doesn't really help the essay tie up the lose ends with a comprehensive discussion summary. Overall, the essay is not very good. I can see your potential as an essayist. However, this essay doesn't reflect your actual skills when it comes to proper essay writing.

Please review the sample essays at this forum to help you further develop your writing skills and help you better understand the discussion requirements based on the prompt instructions. You will learn valuable lessons based on the mistakes of others. You will be sure to improve if you truly apply the advice given to others in your own writing.

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