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Music will never disappear from our life

May 14, 2017   #1
Hi guys, can you help me evaluate my essay?
Thank you in advance.
It is for IELTS writing task 2.
People listen to music for different reasons and at different times. Why is music important to many people? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Why is music important to many people?

Music has grown with humans beings from its creation to the actual time and seems that the phenomenon is not going to stop.
It has always been a part of a culture, used for traditional rite in the ancient communities. Today it has developed as a natural habit to relax or in others particular circumstances of people's life. Men and women find in music a friend, support and an instrument to release all the stress accumulated during that period. There are lots of reasons why someone listens to music and also the kind of music preferred is strictly personal.

In the middle ages it has been used, I mean music, to improve the confidence of the soldiers for a fight. Nowadays it is used, by part of the population, to study better or to concentrate before a test.

There are some people that can perform in the same way, or even better, without music support. Those are rare though.
Music is also adopted for important events, like marriage or birthday's parties.
I, personally speaking, find in music a way to silence all the noise produced by the modern society. That noise sometimes does not let you think properly, distracting your brain from the real goals that you want to achieve.

In conclusion, music is an important aspect of the humans' life and as we can see from the past it will never disappear, although it will change in accord with the times, mutating itself to meet people's desire.

May 15, 2017   #2
Write a more powerful introduction:

"Humans have been listening and appreciating music for eons for various reasons ranging from participating in cultural activities to de-stressing."

It is important to mention reasons in introduction and explain it in following paragraphs.

Problem with your answer: IELTS demands clear structure in writing section. I can't see that in your answer. (I'm an online IELTS trainer)

Let me propose a structure and perhaps you'll prefer to rewrite:

Body Para 1: Reason 1, Example 1
Body Para 2: Reason 2, Example 2

Example 1 must relate to reason 1. Example 2 must relate to reason 2.

Best Wishes.
OP ndocojocojo  
May 15, 2017   #3
Thank you for such a fast reply!
Yeah I knew about the structure, I will try harder to see if I can get any improvement.
By the way what grade would you give to this essay? One essay at a time please.

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