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IELTS: Music - as long as it doesn't hurt you, can improve your balance, mentally and physically


nika_mt 1 / -  
Mar 16, 2013   #1
Please, help me to improve my writing skill. This is my first essay and I do appreciate any kind of correction from your side whether in the essay or in the introduction of thread.

So many thanks in advance.

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays

Listening to the music stimulates our energy, our collapsed energy sometimes, to be released and if it comes along with moving our bodies,it will certainly make people feel better so, they can find themselves in more harmony with the world's energy system.

More than 70% of human body has been consisted from water. Sound, no matter what kind of it, is one of the most influential elements on molecules of water and how sound can affect, in both good or bad way, its molecules is a proven fact by scientists. This fact that how for example some kind of music can harm the coordination of molecules of this vital material has been observed on recorded in laboratories.

Besides, music helps people to move. Most of the time, we dance unconsciously listening a very provocative music even if we sit or be occupied doing something else. We all profit this characteristic during the exercises,it lead us to shake our bodied smoother and even faster.

By living in Global Village, I believe that some sort of traditional-international music is born. Every day we get more familiar with all aspects of other countries and cultures through their costumes,foods,arts,cinema as well as music, the different styles of music are inspired by some traditional music so to sum up in my opinion, listening to music,international or traditional,as long as it doesn't hurt you, can improve your balance, mentally and physically.

Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Mar 16, 2013   #2
Listening to the music stimulates our energy, our collapsed energy sometimes, to be released and if it comes along with moving our bodies,it will certainly make people feel better so, they can find themselves in more harmony with the world's energy system.

This is too long. And since it is your opening sentence it needs to be very clear.
Listening to the music stimulates our energy.
The rest of the sentence is difficult to understand.

Sound, no matter what kind of it, is one of the most influential elements on molecules of water and how sound can affect, in both good or bad way, its molecules is a proven fact by scientists.

It has been proven scientifically that any kind of sound can effect water molecules both positively and negatively.

I feel as if you lengthen your sentences too much. And You have not talked about which type of music is better for us. The topic specifically asks you to do so... :(
toantva509 4 / 9  
Mar 16, 2013   #3
nika_mt
Sorry, but you should follow the IELTS structure and try to solve the main issue :Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays. I should give your own view in the introduction and give convincing explanations in the body paragraph. Try to write again. GLuck


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