Please check my essay. Show me my weak parts and if possible rate it with IELTS band
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
In our contemporary world music plays the main role almost in all countries. However, there are vivid disputes regarding the impact of international music to society among all walks of life. Before drawing a conclusion all the pros and cons should be assessed.
First of all, tradition music can be considered as the history and culture of the nation. In ancient times music was one the sources of entertainment and it remains today, every nation had it's own style of music, thus nowadays traditional music varies and it can be noted that it remains as the pride of nation.
Secondly, international music is spread and it is particularly popular among adolescents, thereby in all probability the value of their traditional music decreases. Suffice it to say that music is one the giant industry in the entertainment sphere, thus artists endeavor to broadcast their song globally.
Last but not least, it should be taken into account that there are many genres of music and they seem to be uncountable, furthermore it can be said that people listen to different music genres, as the proverb says tastes differ. The sparks of genres acquired in different parts of the planet, therefore, it can explain why international music is popular everywhere.
To recapitulate, music was, remains and will be vital part of our lives. But people should have to value their traditional music instead of international. Customs and traditions are the main cultural achievements of the nations, therefore the crux of the matter still remains unsolved.
I think you should explain more the reasons for the why we NEED the music in our life.
But for the rest, I think you're essay it is more than acceptable!
it is better not to use direct q in your essay.
for example you can say : The issue why we need music remains controversial.
also try to divide your essay into 4 or 5 paragraphs.
Good Luck for u.
thanks, as far as i know "all walks of life" is an idiom and it means as you mentioned life periods. it looks like that i should replace vivid to various - never thought of it but thanks anyway. and one more question i didn't understand the mistake about proverb. It has to be like this -->> "says:tastes differ" and should quote proverbs when i use them in essays? Thanks agaian
The essay, as far as I can tell, could be rated between 6-6.5.
However, it can be hard to forecast as some strict assessors may lower the final grade.
"Walks of lives" can be very rhetoric and sometimes it sounds a little bit out of date. You might want to choose any other expression.
@ekologic:
I'm not sure about "All walks of life" - never saw it in such context. I'm more keen to use plain, simple english =). You can't use vivid as an adjective for dispute (f.e. following nouns are OK: picture, memory, imagination, story, ...). As far as I know, proverb functions as a quote, therefore quotation marks are obligated.
