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IELTS 2: music should not be taught in schools instead other subjects such as computers and science


dimdim02 7 / 13 1  
Jul 22, 2018   #1
music should not be taught in schools instead other subjects such as computers and science should be taught. do you agree or disagree with this statement?

teaching science and technology instead of music



it is argued that art lesson, especially music, is not allowed to be put in curriculum when teachers teach in school, some people think information technology and science more important to be learnt by youngster today. this essay will discuss about why science and technology should be learnt more in educational institution.

According to urgency level between music and computer technology and science, music is not too urgent to be taught in school. it is because development of technology is increasing in this modern world, people are demanded to know how to operate digital devices such as smartphone, vending machine, and laptop. moreover, in the near future, all daily activities are connected into the internet. one great example to describe this situation is people now be able to order food through smartphone.

beside that, learning music can be done in everywhere. people can learn music not only in school but also in the cyberspace. there are a lot of websites, which provide information about how to play guitar or how to read block note, to be accessed anywhere and anytime. Grace Vanderwaal is a great example to describe this condition. she won a singer competition, after she studied about playing an ukulele from Youtube.

to sum up, because of development of technology always increase day-by-day, people should prepare themselves to be able to operate high-tech. therefore, school should include science and technology to curriculum instead of music lesson.

hphuc123 4 / 10 4  
Jul 23, 2018   #2
My suggestions:
- art lessons
- put in the school curriculum
- will discuss the reason why
- educational institutions
- ...questionable use of "urgency level"
smally01 9 / 34 14  
Jul 23, 2018   #3
Hope this help:

is not allowed to be put into the curriculum when teachers teach in school,

beside that,

people can learn music not only in (from?) school but also in the cyberspace.

moreover, in the near future, all daily activities are connected into the internet. (it seems one of the clause but missing any effect)
Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Jul 25, 2018   #4
First, your essay is too short and underdeveloped. A task 2 essay must be at least 250 words.
Also, you should use capital letters at the beginning of each sentence.
Second, this is a question asking for your opinion, so you should include your opinions in your essay, at least in the introduction and the conclusion.

Finally, your sentences are hard to understand. There are many errors about grammar and prepositions. Your essay lacks conjunctions and you misuses a lot of words.

Take one of your sentences as an example:
it is argued that art lesson, especially music...

If I were you, I would write:
It is argued that music as a subject should not be allowed to be on the school curriculum, as some people think that information technology and science are more important for students nowadays.
zahranatsir 5 / 6 3  
Jul 27, 2018   #5
Avoid use this sentence this essay will discuss about ... because it will make the examiner think that you memorise the pattern.

in addition, your essay should be focus on why you choose to agree or disagree with the given statement. After that, in both main body paragraphs, explain your reasons in detail.


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