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IELTS WRITING TASK 2- MUSIC IN THE WOLD TODAY


tiandteo 4 / 7  
Apr 24, 2014   #1
Hi everyone,
I'm practising for Ielts writing. If you have time, please help me to review my essay. I would appreciate every comment.
Thanks for your reading and feedback!

Topic:
"There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?"

Essay:

Music have been a part of our life. A lot of types of music have been lasting on the world. In many coutries, both of traditional music and international music are used.

Music plays an important role in society. Firstly, it is a form of entertainment. Nowadays, people are very busy, so they often put pressure on themselves by working hard. Music can help them to relax after work. Consequently, they will work effectively after that. For many, one of the greatest pleasures is listening to music, it makes people easier to achieve a balance between worklife and personal life. In addition, sometimes, music motivates people to live more significantly. Beautiful music will feed the soul, encourage people live life to the full, especially in a complicated life as today. Music can also has a special ability is that to help someone get back from sorrows, depressions. Lastly, music is a business. Many people earn for their living from music. For people who have music talent, they can be rich easily. Imaging that without music, as a result, so many theatres would be closed and a lot of people loose jons.

For almost countries on the world, traditional music is always more important than international one. Primarily, it represents culture of a country. Every country has unique styles of music. They show the charecters and pride of people in their countries. Futhermore, new generation can study history in the past through traditional music. Thus, young people will respect to their ancestor and the elderly. To a lesser degree, international music is also valuable. We can communicate with other countries through international tyle. Additional, it is one way to learn a new language.

Above all, nowadays, people can not live without music, International music is a trend in the future, but tradtional music have to be preserved.

Pahan 1 / 2,069 553  
Apr 24, 2014   #2
Musichave been a part of our life.

Music has been a part of our life.

A lot ofMany types of music have been lasting onthere in the world.
fikri 5 / 346 71  
Apr 25, 2014   #3
Music can also has have a special ability is that to help someone get back from sorrows, depressions.

Beautiful music will feed the soul, encourage people live life people's live life to the full, especially in a complicated life as today.

For almost countries on the world For most of countries in the world, traditional music is always more important than international one

Additional Additionally, it is one way to learn a new language.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,305 456  
Apr 25, 2014   #4
Follow this approach for your intro;
Have these three parts in your introduction;

Very good advice by Pahan

Music have been a part of our life. A lot of types of music have been lasting on the world. In many coutries, both of traditional music and international music are used.

A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.
samkmas 3 / 6  
Apr 30, 2014   #5
Above all, nowadays, people are always surrounded with music. International pop music is a trend in the near future, but traditional music have to be preserved too.
OP tiandteo 4 / 7  
May 20, 2014   #6
Thanks for your help. It's very useful for me.


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