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Narrative/Description Essay About An Unforgettable Vacation


Nettie 1 / 2  
Mar 15, 2012   #1
This is my essay, please check it out for me if there are some errors. I am not very good at writing an essay. Thanks so much.

An Unforgettable Vacation
I still remember my first vacation when I live in Georgia. It was on the warmth of a summer day in July, 2009. After finishing the spring semester at high school, my cousins and I had two months to rest, relax and go somewhere. A beach trip in the summer was always a goos idea for us who lived far away from the sea. Hence, my cousins and I made a plan to go to Walton Beach in Florida on the Fourth of July. The trip was such an unforgettable vacation for me with many different emotions such as happiness because of saving a person, fear before the dead and interest in the beauty of nature. Sometimes, when I recall, everything seemed to have just happened yesterday.

We were very excited about this trip because this was the first chance for us to go out of Georgia. We prepared and packed up everything about a month before the day of departure. At 8.a.m. on July 4th, we got ready to jump on the car and drive straight to Florida. Along the street, we stopped twice for breakfast and lunch and we took tow more hours because we went to the wrong ways, as well. Therefore, we were at Walton Beach in the evening. While I was checking in two rooms at the Super 8 Motel, my cousins were going to the beach to find a place to go fishing. After I carried our bags in our rooms, I called a taxi and came to them.

Night fell down completely. This meant I missed the beautiful scene of the setting sun on the beach. The surface of ocean was calm except there were some waves running up and splashing against the shore. The cool wind coverd my body when I walked on a bridge where my cousins were fishing. No one stirred. No one spoke. My cousins thoroughly concentrated and stared at the shade underneath the bridge where our fishing robs were dropped. They still did not recognize me till I made some noise by opening a cooler to see their result. The cooler was entirely empty. It was not surprise to me because I definitely knew how well they could fish. Leaving them behind, I went down out of that place and came to the beach. Suddenly, far from the beach, I heard someone yelled, "Help, help me!" I looked around to determine where the sound came out. Over there, it took about a half mile to me; I saw something rising out of the surface. She was about to sink into the water. Obviously, she needed help. For a second, I really did not know what I should do instead of just standing transfixed with surprise. Thoughts inside my mind asked me to have to help her, but my consciousness did not allow me to do that because I did not know how to swim. However, only with a few second of hesitation, I took a buoy right below the nearest umbrella from my position, put it on and came up to her immediately. I tried to swim and struggle in the water so that I could get closer to her. The more I came closer, the more I heard her voice clearly. "Quickly, more quickly" I said to myself until I grasped her hand and pulled her up the surface before she could be drowned into the water again.

After being out of the surface, she clung on to me and took my neck in her arms unconsciously and almost pulled me down into the water. At that time, I felt the buoy being taken away from me. I felt my body sinking; the water came into full of my mouth, and I could not breathe. "I am going to die; I am going to die" that sound came across in my mind. I tried to struggle, lift my head up and hold the buoy back. After putting the buoy on carefully, I looked for the girl. She was still here, by my side and she was crying. I said to her, "Alright, just calm down, hold my hand and I will take you to the shore." This time she did exactly my direction and we came to the shore safely.

The guards were coming to us when we laid our bodies on the sand. They asked to take us to the hospital, but I did just went back my room, dried off, took a rest and thought about all of things had happened to me. The ambulance took me to my motel. Before they left, the girl who was still shocked did not say thanks to me and also said sorry for almost killing me. I just smiled and said to her to be careful next time. After that, I came in my room, locked the door, took a shower and slept.

The early morning tomorrow, my older cousin, Trung woke me up and complained about why I took much time to sleep in Florida. I was noticed to be ready to go back to Georgia at 11 a.m. and we had 5 more hours left to take a bathing beach. I still remembered all things that happened to me last night, thus I refused that proposal at once. Despite of that I would take a walk on the sand, see the dawn and enjoy the beauty of nature. When I got there, the sun appeared below the horizon and the sky started turning bright. Everything seemed to get up at the same time in order to start a new day. The cool breeze that brought the salty of the sea quickly faded away, as the wind blew the warm air. Until the sun rose up gradually, out of the horizon at the break of the dawn, I saw the vast volume of the ocean where I had never seen before. I heard the sound of waves rushing to the shore and the cold water was running up on the sand that filled in the gaps of my toes. I was soaking in the nature, and I just came back to reality when my oldest cousin, Nam called me to go back home.

The trip was very special and brought many deep impressions on my memory. Honestly, I felt so wonderful and enjoyed my days in Walton Beach. Although I missed the scene of the setting sun and did not really have any bathing beach, I saw the dawn on the beach in the early morning. I was satisfied with everything I spent on it. Furthermore, on this vacation, I was aware of how fear I was when I reached nearly to the dead. It was such an extremely important experience for me to protect myself. Perhaps, I will learn how to swim; not only do I keep myself in safety, but also can I help others.

chalumeau /  
Mar 15, 2012   #2
In the summer of 2009, my cousins and I had two months to rest, relax, and enjoy the sunshine. A beach trip in the summer was a perennial favorite, as the nearest beach was too far for a quick weekend trip. *** Had you been there before? Why did you select it?*** Walton Beach in Florida ***Don't give away too much here***

The sun had already set when I reached the beach to look for my cousins, who had run off for an evening fishing trip as soon as we pulled in the driveway of the Super 8 Motel. The surface of ocean was calm except for some waves running up and splashing against the shore. A cool wind covered my body as I approached the bridge(***pier?) where my cousins were fishing. No one stirred. No one spoke. My cousins stared at the darkness underneath the bridge, where the lines were cast. As I made some noise opening a cooler, they looked over at me.

***What attracted you down there?*** Suddenly, far from the beach, I heard a woman's voice shriek, "Help! Help me!" Out over the water, about a half mile from me, I saw something rising out of the surface.***If it was really dark, how were you able to see that far?*** She was struggling to stay above water. I did not know how to swim, but I looked around frantically for something that would help. Underneath the nearest umbrella, a couple buoys were stacked. I grabbed a buoy(**lifejacket?) and ran as far as I could before I hit the water. When I hit the water I made small quick skips. The closer I came, the louder and clearer her cries sounded. Finally, I reached her and pulled her out of the water.

At that time, I felt the buoy being taken away from me. I felt my body sinking; the water entered through my mouth, and I could not breathe. "I am going to die," I panicked internally. I tried to struggle, lift my head up, and ***? She was still there by my side and now crying. I said to her, "All right. Just calm down, hold my hand, and I will take you to the shore." She followed my directions closely as we maneuvered to shore.

What a good story. Compare these edited paragraphs with the original ones. Notice how I tried to condense the story by leaving out the boring stuff.
OP Nettie 1 / 2  
Mar 15, 2012   #3
Thanks a lot for your suggestions. I also felt my essay was too long and there are many repeated things on it, but I did not know how to condense them. This will make my essay better.
huongdoan - / 1  
Apr 7, 2012   #4
Furthermore, on this vacation, I was aware of how fear I was when I reached nearly to the dead. It was such an extremely important experience for me to protect myself. Perhaps, I will learn how to swim; not only do I keep myself in safety, but also can I help others.

>>>>>>> however, you can write:
Furthermore, on this vacation, I was aware of how fearful I was about mortality. It was a lesson that taught me to protect myself. Perhaps, I will learn how to swim to help myself and others. >>> it will be condensed


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