Narrative essay about how was my feeling about getting money.

hello I'm a person who don't know how to write narrative essay
It's a homework from my academy to write narrative essay. I searched many narrative essay thing, but I still don't know how to do :(

for this, I kinda exhausted right now but I have to finish this until tomorrow.
I asked to my teacher what's wrong with this essay, but he said just my essay is unorganized, have no dramatized scene, serious problem with tense of verbs etc.

in this essay, I want to write how was my feeling about getting money, and total mess, but now I'm fine. help me out plz!!

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I have some unique experience that nobody went through.
In 2009, my family, especially mom, and dad, started to run a bakery. //strange
At first, though we were tired, we thought 'It's going to be ok.' But over time, we got more exhausted and what made the matter worse, dad suddenly went back to the company where he worked before.

One day, dad said, "Mom and I are thinking to run the bakery."
So I said, "That's a good idea. It would be great." A couple of years later, I thought that we probably would start the business.

The next day, we all visited one bakery, pretty far from home.
There, dad said, "This is the bakery we will run from next month."
"What? Next month? Dad, are you serious?"
My sister and I were shocked and asked again and again because he never mentioned about it except the other day's comment.
Anyway, we opened the store and received the customers. At first, it was all new, weird, and difficult for me to sell the products, since I never had a part time job or something like this. It was stressful because some strange customers picked lots of breads in their basket and left.

Others touched the bread with their hands back and forth without buying it. There are thousands of strange customers more but I'll stop for this

Outside of selling the breads, we had to set up all night to order all the materials for making bread. Once, I forgot to save the ordered list. Therefore materials didn't come out from factory. So all through the morning, I borrowed several things from other branches.

In a hot day, we are very busy because of making ice flakes. To freeze away their over-heated bodies with some cold ice flakes, lots of people come to our place. Then, in the kitchen, we start with preparing kiwis, red globes, pineapples and other fresh fruit. After grinding ice cubes, decorate ice with fruits, jelly, and syrup. While I prepare the ice flakes, other worker sells cake, breads at the same time. When peak time is over, kitchen floor is messy with spilled food. And used dishes are waiting in the sink.

I'm doing this so far and so good. Sometimes it's hard to do both study and work but I get used to it now. And I think I grew up more after all the things got through it.

Hey Sim, your attempt is not that bad!
Let me start with a few tips:
Tenses
If you are narrating something related to the past, you use "Past Indefinite/ Simple Past" Tense. If at that point of time in the past, an action was in progress, you use "Progressive form"/ "Past Continuous" Tense. Again, if you talk about something that happened before the time in the 'past' you are talking about, you have to use the "Past Perfect" Tense.

Also, for transition of Tenses; which means when you have to change from Present Tense in one sentence to the Past tense in the next sentence, be a bit careful.

Check this:


In the second sentence, use 'were' and not 'are'.

Prepositions
One day, dad said, "Mom and I are thinking to run the bakery."
When you revise your essay for Grammar, always check the Prepositions. Next time you read a Newspaper or watch TV, note how with 'thinking' the Preposition 'of' is used. Others will say it's common sense, I call it awareness. I often ask my students to take a self-assessment from what they read.

Check this "In a hot day, we are very busy because of making ice flakes. "
It's ON a hot day.
Also, we WEREvery busy because of making ice flakes.

Most of these mistakes, can be overcome by reading and writing carefully. Again, we all know the rules, but just forget that they have to be applied.

I advise you to check some of my tests on IELTS for Grammar. I have uploaded them on wiziq.com
You can report your score here and I'll analyze the areas you need improvement in.

Namrata, thanks for the time you invested here... great advice. I agree that Sim's attempt is not bad. It's a great story!

Here is what I want to contribute to make it easier to write a narrative essay or any essay:

Just use topic sentences! Google this: how to write topic sentence

Here is my way of explaining how to write with good topic sentences:

Use a paragraph to explain its first sentence. The first sentence of a paragraph gives a single idea, and then the other statements you make and examples, quotes, etc. help to explain what you mean in that first sentence. If every paragraph began with a topic sentence, the essay would have good structure. That is what it means to begin a paragraph with a topic sentence that use the rest of the paragraph to explain that sentence.

(The paragraph above is an example of a paragraph that begins with a topic sentence.)