Please help me correct my essay. Any info will be appreciated. Thanks
I was seventeen when I joined the Army, and I was just a child. I joined the Army to become a stronger, disciplined and a courageous person. I wanted to find myself not as a girl, but as a woman. This would be the most memorable day of my life. This is the day I graduate boot camp.
It was June 6 at approximately 07:00 a.m on Friday. Me and my fellow graduates were dressed in one of the militaries most beautiful ceremonial uniforms. The uniform had so many beautiful characteristics. My uniform was decorated with patches and, I also had some beautiful gold shiny medals that I felt like you could see them from space. You knew when you wear this uniform; you wear it with great pride. We were standing at the end of the parade ground in a formation waiting for the music to begin playing. We were to march past the bleachers filled with our closest families and friends. I can remember us standing there anticipating the piercing sounds from the drums. I can smell the starch on our freshly pressed battle Class A uniforms. I seemed to tune out the distant cheering of the spectators, and I watch my fellow soldiers trying so hard not to cry. I was told to never show weakness by crying, and that crying is for the weak. I never cried through basic training because I was so strong. But, today is the day that I cry. Today is the day that we graduate from basic training.
As the music began to play, and the crowd became silent. We could see our mean, merciless drill sergeant at the end of the parade ground with our diplomas. He still had that robotic expression and, he still showed no emotion. This is the man who tormented me for over 8 weeks, and this is the man that tried almost everything to break me spiritually, physically and emotionally. This is the man who made me want to quit and go home. This is the man who made me question my self worth.
We were directed to march past the bleachers, and keep looking forward. This was so hard because I haven't seen my kids in 2 long months. As we took each step towards the bleachers, the distance seemed to grow longer and longer. I felt like I would never reach the bleachers. I was overcome with so many thoughts in my head. I was asking myself if my kids missed me, or I f they even remember me, my kids was only 2 and 3 years old. While I was at basic training they stayed with my parents, and I am sure my parents was ready to give them back. I had to keep telling myself that this was a sacrifice for my kids, and my country. I wanted a good life for them, and at the time it was the best choice for all of us because I was their mother and father.
When we arrived at the bleachers the screams grew louder and louder, I could hear my mom yelling my name and telling me to look at her. I wanted to so bad, but I couldn't. She just kept screaming my name. I was amazed at how excited everyone was. There was screaming and crying and flickers of the flashes of the cameras. I felt and looked like a movie star. We came to the end of the parade ground, and there stood my drill sergeant. He reached his hand out to me and shook my hand. He smiled and patted each one of us on the back. I think that is the first time that I have even seen him smile. Actually, that was the first time that he even resembled a human being instead of a killing machine. After the ceremony was over and we were dismissed, everybody ran from the bleachers to find their loved ones. As tears welled in my eyes ,I could that there was not a dry eye in sight. I panicked for a second because I could not find my kids. Then a familiar voice cried, "Mommy". That was the most beautiful sound ever. My little girl kept grabbing my face, and was constantly kissing me. I looked over, and my little boy was acting shy. I picked him up and hugged him extra hard. He was mesmerized by my shiny medals. Actually, that's all I think he cared about at the time. I hugged my mom, and I showed her what each medal was for. I could hear all the other mothers making spectacles over their children. Some of the soldiers were explaining all the hardship that they went threw. Some were just taking pictures. I on the other hand was just speechless.
This day was memorable for me because it was the first time in my life that I felt as if I accomplished something. Not only was I a soldier, but I was a strong woman. I wanted to find myself, or I wanted to do something that would help others. I felt like I did both. This day was the beginning of a wonderful journey.
...This day was memorable for me because it was the first time in my life that I felt as if I accomplished something. Not only was I a soldier, but also I was a strong woman. ...
Here are my comments for your essay:
1. You write too long but not necessary. I mean you should write it shorter!
2. You should make more paragraph so that people can understand your essay better!
3. You have too many grammar and vocabulary errors. If I have time I will help you point them out all of that.
Anyway, you posted an interesting essays.
I joined the Army to become a strong , disciplined and a courageous person. --- I think it sounds nicer if you keep all those adjectives in the same form.
This would be the most memorable day of my life. This is the day I graduate boot camp This was the most memorable day of my life.
When we arrived at the bleachers, the screams grew louder and louder, and I could hear my mom yelling my name and telling me to look at her.
I guess I think this essay, which is already very good, would be even better if you COMPOUNDED the theme. by that, I mean you should add a secondary theme so that you can talk about it together with the theme of accomplishment. The secondary theme could be about your specific plans for the next few years of life.
:-)
