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Professor Leighton
English 99
March 22, 2009
Not sure
Bank of America credit card charge off department closing down shocked many, and still raises disturbing questions as to why this happen. Everyday I attended work I notice that many other associates were always using sick days and had numerous vacation days that they were taking on a certain managers team not only did they have a substantial amount of sick and vacation days that were being taken. However this particular team was also being promoted to other departments. I decided to apply for a position at the bank I was declined due to having too many sick days being used and attendance issues. A couple days later I was approach by a manager asking me to come to his desk when I was done with my call. While I was on my call my mind was racing with so many thoughts wanting to know why he wanted me to come to his desk. Finally I was done with the call I walk over, and he offered to remove my sick days for a fee, so that I would be able to promote. I denied the offer and walk back to my desk. By the time I reached my desk there was a message sent from him saying not to say anything to keep that between the two of us, and if not he has dirt on me. After a few weeks or so I talk to a good co-worker of mine about the incident and she told me that he offered her the same thing and she denied the offer as well, but the manager started making it uncomfortable for her to work. I told her that I wouldn't go forward with telling anyone being that I was too disturbed by the manager I also asked for her not to tell anyone that he had approach me. A day later I got a phone call from her telling me she talk to our personnel department not informing me that she was going to mention my name. At that point I was force to be honest and tell everything I knew or my job was on the line. Meanwhile I'm waiting to be called to give my statement being told I wouldn't be in any trouble. A couple weeks later our department was closed down. During the few weeks learned that there were at least twenty associates who purchase time off from the manager and there job were terminated. This experience has thought me so much I've learned that sometimes it's better to keep quiet, and also glad that I passed on purchasing the sick time that could have cost me my job. It's better to do things the right way. So even if there are some negative and positive out of this situation it was something I could learn from.
While your story is no doubt interesting, it's confusing.
"Bank of America credit card charge off department closing down shocked many, and still raises disturbing questions as to why this happen."
When Bank of America ... dep closed down, it shocked many people, and raised some disturbing questions as to why it had happened.
"Everyday I attended work I notice that many other associates were always using sick days and had numerous vacation days that they were taking on a certain managers team not only did they have a substantial amount of sick and vacation days that were being taken."
On many days that I attended work, I noticed that other associates would...
I'm not sure what you are trying to convey here?
Ok, I think I get it.
Here are the main points you need to get across.
- the BofA department closed
- you had misgivings when you attended work and noticed that people who had taken a lot of sick and vacation days were still being regularly promoted
- while already working at the bank, you decided to apply for a higher position but were turned down because you had taken too many sick days
- a manager approached you offering to wipe your slate clean of sick days, for a price...
- you refused, and told your friend who also happened to mention the same experience
- you told "friend" (more likely co-worker) not to say anything about it, and she did anyway you found out, when HR called you to testify about your experience
- after an investigation it turned out to be the case that people were paying this manager for time off; they all got fired, but not you because you refused his offer
- you learned to keep your mouth closed, especially when it comes to nosy co-workers who like to make life miserable for everyone else
- the moral of the story is that you got something out of a negative situation
Re-write what I suggested in your own words. Keep those parts that are alright, and change only those that are confusing, namely just the beginning of your narrative, but also whatever you feel you didn't do a good enough job explaining.
I haven't done a narrative in a minute, but I think it's supposed to have dialogue, so maybe you should flash back to that day, or the days preceding it to enhance your story.
Some excellent advice from Mustafa. I would go even further, though, and say that you should add dialogue even if your teacher isn't insisting on it. I mean, you describe at least three separate conversations, and actually giving the dialogue would provide you with a great chance to engage in some character development. At the moment, the manager seems vaguely villainous, your coworker sort of heroic, with you somewhere in between. If you could give the three characters voices, they might become more specifically heroic or villainous. You could also develop the moral dilemma caused by the manager's action in more detail, too.
