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'is it necessary for children or not?' - Learning a foreign language [TOEFL]


hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 22, 2014   #1
Hi All
Please give me your feedback about the structure, grammar which are used for this essay.
Thank you in advance :)

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

Learning a foreign language is necessary for children to strengthen their ability to learn. Whether children should start learning a foreign language as they start school or not might be a controversial issue. It seems to me that students should start learning that as they start school. Learning that not only help them to improve their minds and memories, but can extend their visions about the other countries. [..]

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 22, 2014   #2
- Hamed, where is your point of view regarding the issue? You were able to restate the prompt and offer reasons that you will be discussing in the essay but I do not see your agreement or disagreement with either point of view anywhere in the introduction.

- Who offered these evidences that you are presenting as fact? In order to give your statement credibility, you need to tell the reader where you got the information from. For example, you could say "Child experts agree that..." instead of "First..."

- Always present one supporting and one opposing idea in order to give your essay a balanced point of view. In this case, your previous reason in support of the topic was strong enough. Now is the time to present the opposing side for argument.

- This conclusion would have been more solid if you had included the restated prompt, summary of facts, and the reiteration of your point of view prior to the closing statement.
OP hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 22, 2014   #3
Thank you sa1na:)
I correct my mistakes.


Hi Lousia, As matter of the fact, I thought that in this subject I should not restate the opposite point and I have just rephrased the subject. But Now I corrected. Please give me your feedback. this is the new version which the correction is colored:

Learning a foreign language is necessary for children to strengthen their ability to learn. Whether children should start learning a foreign language as they start school or not might be a controversial issue. Some people view that learning a foreign language in the childhood period is helpful, but others argue that learning a second language in the beginning of the education seems to be confusing for children. Although there would be some logical points in the second view, but as far as I am concerned that students should start learning that as they start school. Learning second language not only helps them to improve their minds and memories, but can extend their visions about the other countries.

As many experts say that Learning ability in the childhood period is more powerful than other periods of life. Thereby, students in the beginning of their education can function faster and easier in comparison to young ones in understanding a foreign language. They can easily understand the language structure and memorize the vocabularies. It is out of of the questioned that the persistence of learning a knowledge in the childhood is more than other period of lives. By considering this and being aware of that students do not have not any responsibilities and other difficulties in comparison with a young man, we can infer that why this time is the best time to learn any language. However, there are many advantages for learning the second language, but some experts state that learning the second language for the freshman might be confusing and they could not focus neither the first language nor the second language.

In addition, Learning a foreign language helps students tremendously to comprehend what happens in the around World. They would be able to understand other cultures and costumes. Moreover, It can give them a sense of power to communicate better with peers in other parts of the World. Having knowledge about other countries and their languages leads to extend the child's vision. Therefore, they would be able to develop their personalities and sense of reliance.

Overall, it is easy to distinguish between a child knowing two languages and a child knowing just his native language while comparing their ability to communicate, to grasp other studies, to understand other culture etc, to find why children should start learning a foreign language in the beginning of the their education. By considering all facts and reasons, it seems that students can introduce learning a new language will have a fabulous future rather than other peers who could have received this capability.


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