In this industrialization era, many fields of work need to recruit more people to join in work force, including children.
It is always good to shorten your sentence so as to bring clarity. Let me give a try: More children get involved as paid workers today.
always comes into debate
no, no, no... this phrase is commonly found in students' IELTS essay around world. Hence, this can be categorized as memorized language. Not only this, such a phrase does not bring any value. I suggest omitting or rewriting it.
I do not believe in this statement,
I thoroughly disagree with this initiative view
using children labour in adult environment could not be put in the right place.
Why do you say that this is not the right way? You need to explain this exactly upfront so you reader understand what will be in the following paragraphs.
On the side of people who agree,
the proponents who argue this say that ...
deal with different environment,
Need more detailed discussion. How to tackle this? Asking journalistic questions such as why, how, what, when and where is one of the best approaches to make the discussion more interesting.
Overall, this essay does not fully cover the task responses and this sometimes lack coherence.
I suggest reading sample answers as many as you can. This helps you improve your vocabulary, ideas, and sentence structure. Hope this helps :D