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It's not necessary to earn money by children when they are still on parents care


daya93 4 / 6 1  
Aug 30, 2016   #1
In this industrialization era, many fields of work need to recruit more people to join in work force, including children. Allowing children to have a paid job always comes into debate, some people argue work is necessary as learning arena for children. I do not believe in this statement, using children labour in adult environment could not be put in the right place.

On the side of people who agree, children can acquire new experiences outside school, because it only taught them in theories but lack of practices. In work place, children will deal with different environment, besides that they can learn to be responsible in tasks from people whose more experiences. They will be paid based on their duties and in addition, they can learn to spend money wisely.

However, it is not necessary to earn some money at their earlier ages, because they are still on adult responsibilities to fulfill their needs. Thus, involved in work place which actually considered to adults, will bring children into lack of development in health and intelligence. For example children in developing countries who paid for labour works do not have enough time to study and play with their peers since they are too tired after working all day.

All in all, children have other fields to gain experiences outside formal education instead joining the work forces and let them learn gradually in their normal stage of development.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,198 464  
Aug 30, 2016   #2
In this industrialization era, many fields of work need to recruit more people to join in work force, including children.

It is always good to shorten your sentence so as to bring clarity. Let me give a try: More children get involved as paid workers today.

always comes into debate

no, no, no... this phrase is commonly found in students' IELTS essay around world. Hence, this can be categorized as memorized language. Not only this, such a phrase does not bring any value. I suggest omitting or rewriting it.

I do not believe in this statement,

I thoroughly disagree with this initiative view

using children labour in adult environment could not be put in the right place.

Why do you say that this is not the right way? You need to explain this exactly upfront so you reader understand what will be in the following paragraphs.

On the side of people who agree,

the proponents who argue this say that ...

deal with different environment,

Need more detailed discussion. How to tackle this? Asking journalistic questions such as why, how, what, when and where is one of the best approaches to make the discussion more interesting.

Overall, this essay does not fully cover the task responses and this sometimes lack coherence.

I suggest reading sample answers as many as you can. This helps you improve your vocabulary, ideas, and sentence structure. Hope this helps :D
bung ilham 14 / 30  
Aug 30, 2016   #3
Aloha Daya Cipta, here are my suggestions for you:

In this industrialization era, many fields of workcareer fields to work need to recruit more ...
Allowing children to have a paid job always comes into debate, some people argue work ...
I do not believedisagree in this statement, using children labourchild labours in adult environment ...

On the side of people who agree, children can [...] they can learn to spend money wisely.
(overall, you should better write the reason each idea as well. Thus, your essay seems stronger)

... to earn some money atin their earlier ages, because ...
For example,children in developing countries who paid for labour workschild labours in developing countries do not have enough time ...

I hope it can be helpful
keep writing and doing the best ^^
ashelarisa48 36 / 52 4  
Aug 30, 2016   #4
Hello Daya! Nice to see you in essay forum! ^^
Here is my little correction for your essay. Hope it helps.

... because it only taught teaches them in theories but lack of practices.

However, it is not necessary unnecessary thing to earn some ...

because they are still on adult it should be their parent's ...

I have some notes for you:
1. Try to simplify your sentences in order to make the readers easier to understand it.
2. Check in collocation dictionary to find a matching preposition in phrasal verb.
3. The most important, because it is writing task 2, you should write at least 250 words. Your essay did not reach in 250 words.

keep writing, Daya!
OP daya93 4 / 6 1  
Aug 31, 2016   #5
Hi, thank you for feedback!

But anyway, 'thing' phrase sometimes becomes too informal for academic essay, that's why I us 'not necessary' as adjective ^^


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