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Writing task 2: the necessary of music - traditional music and international music


Hammy 13 / 35  
Feb 22, 2019   #1

Why we need music?



Topic: There are many different types music in the world today. Why we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Nowadays, when the human world is developing, the demand of enjoying our life increases significantly. Music is seemed to be a necessary for relaxing and has various kinds to choose. Traditional music or International music is equally important.

At first, music can bring so many advantages for human's life. It depends on what kind of music we choose, which makes us have a sense of freshness, satisfaction or excitation. For instance, sleepiness always stays with you even though you had an 8-hour sleep at last night. In case, if you hear a heavy-metal song, you will wake up and feel full of energy to start a new day. So, let's imagine that how do you feel after a long day with work? It must be tired and uncomfortable and a melodic song can help you... therefore, music becomes a part of our life.

In each country, we have own traditional music which is precious and preserved as our own culture but it doesn't mean that this kind of music is more important than the International music. The first reason is about choices of each individual. In some countries, when we are young, we often listen pop and EDM songs instead of traditional things as jazz, classical music in the old age. Besides, the international music is developing variously day by day to meet up the using demand of human. It can satisfy any choosy person with different unique melodies, which traditional music doesn't have because of old and boring melodies.

In conclusion, it'll be a pity if our life has a lack of music. The traditional music takes an important position, so does the international music.

thanks for reading!!! give me some comments, please...

TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Feb 22, 2019   #2
Hi, I think you have addressed the prompt correctly, but much of your writing sounded somewhat awkward or unnatural. Also, strive for a more academic tone. For instance, avoid the use of the second person "you" in IELTS essays. Here are some other suggestions:

... different types [of] music ... Why [do] we need music? ...

Nowadays,[as] the human world {"human world" sounds very odd - what would be the human world? Are you contrasting this with the natural world?} is developing, the demand [to enjoy] life [has been increasing] significantly. Music [seems] to be a necessary for relaxing {This is a reason. Try not to give reasons in your introduciton, wait until you body paragraphs. In the introduction you should just be restating the prompt and offering general answers to the question the prompt is asking} and [there are] various kinds to choose [from]. Traditional music [and] International music [are] equally important.

At first, {this is not a correct transition here - maybe "To begin, ..." - "at first" means how something began before it changed - "at first, all music was acoustic, but now there are electronic instruments"} music can ... advantages [to a] human's life. {"human" sounds odd unless you are talking about biology or comparing humans to animals. So here it sounds like you are saying "humans love music, but dogs and cats, not so much" :) }

... a sense of freshness, {ESL students often use "fresh" to describe how someone feels, but it is usually odd sounding. Maybe you would feel "fresh" after taking a shower when you had been all sweaty, but that is about the only time it would sound natural} satisfaction or [excitement]. For instance, [sometimes you may feel drowsy] even though ... sleep [the previous] night. In [this] case,

... and feel full of [the] energy [needed] to start a new day. So, let's imagine that how do you feel after a long day [of] work[.] [You] must be tired ... song can help you...{Avoid using ellipses in formal essays. A period would be better here} therefore, music ...

{I think you need a transition to show that you are now addressing the second part of the prompt} In each country, we ... preserved as [part] our own culture but it doesn't {avoid contractions in formal essays} mean that ...

... The first reason is about ... {this sounds vague to me - don't say what the reason "is about", say exactly what the reason is} ... we often listen [to] pop and EDM songs instead of traditional [genres] [like] jazz [or] classical music [as they did in previous times]. ... music is developing variously {"developing variously" sounds odd and unclear - maybe "is always introducing brand new songs"} day by day to meet [the rising demand of music aficionados]. ... have because of [its] old and ...

In conclusion,[it would] be a pity if our life [had] a lack of music. ... important position,[but] so does ...
OP Hammy 13 / 35  
Feb 24, 2019   #3
thank you so much, i can't believe that i receive a detailed comments as yours
thank you, thank you.... <3 <3


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