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Is it necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains?


xtunx 4 / 9 6  
Feb 20, 2020   #1
In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion


task 2 IELTS - railway lines vs existing transport



The public discourse has been of two viewpoints about the superior way to spend on public transportation, one of which holds a preference for constructing high-speed railway lines between cities, whereas the other is in favor of developing current public systems of vehicles. Engrained in this essay is my partial agreement on both views.

There are a myriad of reasons why a multitude of people are convinced by directing large expenditure to construct high-speed railway lines. In Vietnam context, current public vehicles, for instance buses, do not satisfy mass requirements due to their poor and downgraded facilities, which have lasted for decades. Hence, it is high time that a new form of transportation should be adopted to attract majority's interests. High-speed trains not only meet this demand but also require a short amount of time and produces less pollution as well. However, this constructing progress requires an enormous amount of money and can be risky at the very first stages, therefore, takes a long time to be ready for mass application.

Nevertheless, others are completely against and recommend improving existing transport. It is argued that these vehicles are inexpensive and beneficial for large scale usage by citizens. Furthermore, reconstructing these would still attract people's interests in a more reasonable way. In addition to affordability, this would encourage people to use public transportation. Yet these forms of travel would not be as conducive as high-speed trains in long-distance journey.

In conclusion, spending a large amount of money whether on fast trains or existing transport both have merits and downsides. Having considered this, I firmly believe that the government should invest equally in the fast rail system and existing public transportation.
serbinax 7 / 19 7  
Feb 20, 2020   #2
Your introduction is not very good. The first sentence is very long, very complicated, and somewhat confusing. I think it would be better to divide it into two separate sentences to keep it more clear. I wouldn't use the word "engrained" with the word "opinion" in the academic writing, it seems like it has been inappropriately used. For this given topic I would write an introduction like this:

"Many people believe substantial funds should be diverted to the construction of high-speed train tracks, while others say there should be more investment in the current public transportation. (paraphrase of the task sentence) While investing in faster trains would cut journey times (idea for paragraph 1), this essay believes (your opinion) that more of the population would benefit from expenditure on buses, trams, and underground rail (idea for paragraph 2)."

Also, I don't think that "systems of vehicles" is a synonym for "transport".

Your conclusion has problems too, as it fails to paraphrase the task statement and to summarize the reasons of why you partially agree with both views.

You also need to work on your grammar, there are many mistakes that need to be fixed.
OP xtunx 4 / 9 6  
Feb 20, 2020   #3
@serbinax
Thanks so much for your feedback. I'll try my best to adapt these to my essays. But still could you point out some of my grammar mistake? Thanks again though :<<<
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4773  
Feb 21, 2020   #4
Both of you addressed the essay in the wrong manner. A clear misunderstanding of the prompt requirement is indicated. Both your versions and both of you converted the essay from a public point of view consideration as the basis of your personal opinion, to a personal opinion (sometimes measured response) essay. Neither are correct because the prompt should have been restated using the following outline feature:

Citizens of several countries believe that the government budget should not be heavily spent on new train track construction. This is contradicted by others who support the idea that state funding should definitely be spent on the development of mass transit development. I would like to offer my opinion on the discussion after considering the reasoning for both publicly supported sides.

Note: Sentence 1 paraphrases the first pov, sentence 2, the second pov, then it summarizes the outline by providing the discussion outline in the body paragraphs. That is the standard format for the introduction paraphrase. Both of you created prompt deviations, both of you would have failed the TA section because of it.

@xtunx, your essay suffers from the use of too many words to make your point. This results in long-winded sentences that do not have any meaning until you get to the end of the paragraph. It is incoherent and non-cohesive in presentation. Therefore, you should practice starting your paragraph with a sentence topic, then simply following that up with 2 or 3 supporting sentences before moving on to the next one. You need clarity in your presentation. You already showed that you can write in English and that you can be understood, with a little difficulty. The difficulty stems from the way you position you topic sentences as the end of the paragraphs.

Your concluding paraphrase is also incorrect. It has to follow the format of the introduction. Only this time, it has to summarize the body of paragraphs and repeat your opinion based on the given topic.
OP xtunx 4 / 9 6  
Feb 21, 2020   #5
@Holt
Thank you so so so SO SO SO MUCH. You've pointed those mistakes that I haven't noticed before. I' ve learnt a lot . <3 :<


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