The negative impacts on people' health if they do less physical activity than use electronic devices

My topic:
As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often suggested that nowadays, people spend much time using electronic devices such as computer and television than doing physical activity, which has a negative impact on their health. In my opinion, I partly agree that taking less exercise leads to people's health problems but this happens not just because of modern electronic inventions.

On the one hand, there are some reasons to think that people use less time to do physical activity than use electronic devices such as computer and television, which can damage their health. Thanks to the advance of technology, everything is done faster. People, especially the youngsters have to keep pace with the change of this development. Therefore, almost they us electronic devices like computer to do their work. Sitting for hours in front of the computer day by day brings about some eye diseases such as short-sightedness, long-sightedness, eyestrain, astigmatism. The second reason is that today, people are often overloaded with their work, they do not have enough spare time so it is hard for them to arrange time to take exercise. Moreover, after a long day of working, they just want to lie on the bed and watch television instead of doing physical activity because of being exhausted. Little by little, they become lazier. This is having bad effect on their health - their assistance is weaker. They can have heart disease, brittle bone disease, can not maintain body weight, etc. Hence, if people do less physical activity, it will lead to many problems for their health.

On the other hand, I think that using computer and television can cause some benefits for their health. For instance, in the past, it took people the number of days to complete the tasks by writing by hands, but now, by using computer, the tasks are done more quickly, efficient and exactly. Consequently, people can spend their leisure time taking exercise if they want. Additionally, watching TV helps people to expand their knowledge and raise the awareness of well-being. For this reason, people will try to do physical activity to avoid health problems.

In conclusion, although modern electronic inventions such as television and computer can help people in few situations in their life, I convince that this should have negative impacts on their health if they do less physical activity than using electronic devices. They should try to keep balance between health and work to ensure that they have a healthy physical and mental body.

About 50% of the restatement retains the use of the original keywords.This will be a scoring problem because the writer will be seen as not having an extensive English vocabulary. The failure to use synonyms will affect 2 major scoring sections in relation to task response and vocabulary. The writer can only write in memorized phrases at that point. The other scoring element, the opinion, was well responded to by the writer though. It was a good save, but will not prevent scoring deductions for this section.

The paragraph that supports the provided discussion does not need a justification anymore. It is a given and accepted fact. It is the partial opposition that needed 2 supporting paragraphs. That said, the relevant paragraph is not well presented. It is weak on health related explanations. Reasons provided lacked a believable health connection, which was the whole point of the debate.

Hi, I have a few ideas for you, hope you can refer to them .....

+spelling suggestions
error : short-sightedness -- suggestion : shortsightedness
Long-sightedness --suggestion: longsightedness

+ One sign of an excellent writer is the use of transitional phrases (e.g. therefore, consequently, furthermore).

The following transitional phrases were found in your document:
and, in the past, especially, instead, for instance, therefore, for this reason, although, in conclusion, moreover, on the other hand, consequently
-Consider using additional transitions where appropriate:
· nevertheless
· notwithstanding
· accordingly
· conversely
· ordinarily
-These words and phrases fall under a few grammatical categories:
· Conjunctions: but, provided, and, although
· Prepositional phrases: in addition to, in conclusion
· Adverbs: also, however, nevertheless