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"A neighbor riding with a drunk guy and letting go" - Discription Essay


Ema 1 / 2  
Apr 5, 2010   #1
Hi everyone! Thanks for taking time to read this.
The paper is supposed to be very descriptive and I need help editing it, grammar, sentence structure, content and also finishing it off. Please, any comments are welcome and any editing is welcome. I need help with it. :) Thanks again.


I was on the back of the bike speeding down the highway at 80mph. I was wearing a loosely fitted t-shirt and a helmet that was too big. I couldn't breathe and I was scared to open my eyes. The wind was whipping my skin so hard it was burning. I gripped my fingers tighter into the drivers stomach as we slowed and took a turn. We were finally headed back to the apartment. I knew then that I was going to be safe. The only thing that was racing through my mind was "how much has he had to drink?" and why was I so stupid as to agree to a motorcycle ride? Finally, we turned into the apartment complex where an unusually large amount of cars were parked. He stopped the bike and I slowly stepped onto the ground, still shaking from fear. I handed him the helmet and he asked "are you alright"? I could only say "yes", even though I didn't feel alright. I walked across the lawn and made eye contact with my boyfriend. I felt so relived to see him. As I got closer I could faintly see his arms outreached to hug me. I practically fell into his arms with relief. He smiled and asked if I was okay. I was, so I didn't mention the terror that I had experienced. We were surround by friends. It was our Thursday night cook out and like always, they had hot dogs and I had corn. I felt silly attending a cook out when I don't eat anything you cook on a grill, but I enjoyed the experience. Everyone was laughing and it was something my boyfriend and I looked forward to every week. It was hot outside, despite that the sun had set nearly two hours ago. I took my seat across the circle from a girl named Katie. She was short with fiery orange hair. It fit her perfectly, she was spunky, outgoing and wild. Seeing us return Katie jumped up screaming "me next, me next!" She took off running towards the bike and disappeared into the dark. Moments later I heard the motorcycle start again. I watched the head light turn and head towards the road again and the humming of the engine faded off into the distance. We sat in silence for a few moments, glasses kinking, and an occasional meow from Roomi, our cat who was inside the apartment. Her face was pressed against the window, hoping someone would take pity on her and let her outside.

The minutes passed quickly and soon it was almost eleven. It was getting cold outside and the group of people had considerably thinned. Katie and Tad hadn't returned yet. Sara asked if anyone had heard from them. No one had. Moments later Nicks phone rang, I was sitting close to him and could hear a muffled voice through the phone. Nick sounded concerned and hung up a second later. Katie fell off the bike he said. She's at the hospital. Chills ran down my spine and crept all over my body. I was in shock, I couldn't formulate words. I didn't even ask if she was okay. It felt hard for me to think. Will, Katie's boyfriend, jumped up immediately. He started cursing and stumbled to his door for his keys. Before I knew what was going on, Will was in his car speeding away yelling death threats out the window directed towards Tad. Finally it hit me, Katie had fallen off of the bike. She might not be okay. Tad might be hurt. My stomach turned as I imagined all the possibilities. I wasn't cold anymore, just sick feeling. I ran to grab my cote and my keys. Me and Nick rushed to my car, I fumbled trying to unlock the door. I practically had to remind myself to breathe, nothing was coming natural to me. When we finally got in the car and started driving to the hospital, the only thing I could think of was prayers that they were okay. A night of fun quickly turned into a nightmare and I was hoping to wake up, but I had no such luck. The drive there seemed to last an exceptionally long time. We arrived just in time to see her ambulance pulled up to the ER door. She was on a stretcher. I put the car in park and jumped out, she was awake. He neck was in a brace and she was strapped to the bed. She was smiling. I couldn't believe it. She had a smile on her face. She was talking to Will and reassuring him that she was okay, just some minor cuts and bruises. I felt a sense of relief knowing that she was conscious; she was alive. My heart rate slowed just a bit as I sat back down in my car seat and drove off to find a parking spot. We parked near the rode, and sat for a moment, discussing how happy we were. Nick and I got out of the car, Will was walking up.
stranger4ever 8 / 29  
Apr 5, 2010   #2
I didnt read it all,but in this sentence(The wind was whipping my skin so hard it was burning. )You should put either that between hard and it,or a comma.

Ps(I think the comma is better)
OP Ema 1 / 2  
Apr 5, 2010   #3
Thanks. :)

Anyone have any content comments? I know it's not a great paper. It's kind of last minute. I had no inspiration for it. If someone wants to add stuff in that would be great.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Apr 5, 2010   #4
What is the essay about in one short sentence?
OP Ema 1 / 2  
Apr 5, 2010   #5
In short. About a neighbor riding with a drunk guy and letting go. She falls off the bike and is hurt. Her boyfriend is enraged at the driver. The end. I just have to be descriptive. I don't really know how to do that.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 6, 2010   #6
Good! The thing that can help is to know how to express it all in a succinct way, because that is how to identify your theme. What is your theme? The purpose of good descriptive writing is to support your theme, which is like a "moral of the story." In an intro paragraph, you can introduce the theme.

I see that you have no intro paragraph. You just start with description right away. How about writing a paragraph about what it all means and then starting the story in paragraph 2?

As you revise, think of it like a slide show for the reader. You have some great imagery, but do this:
One paragraph = one slide.

Let the reader SEE something, and then start a new paragraph. Use paragraph breaks to control the reader's experience. This is good writing!!

We parked near the rode road and sat for a moment, discussing how happy we were. Nick and I got out of the car. Will was walking up.


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