I write this arguementative essay for IELTS Writing test. Although I know my wrriten English is poor, I still want to improve it. Thanks for correcting my writing.
Question:
The government is responsible for protecting a nation's cultural identity. Thus, more people believe new buildings should be built in traditional style. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
My writing:
Whether modern buildings should be replaced by traditional buildings is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about the government takes responsibility of protecting a nation's cultural identity. I'd like to compare new buildings with old buildings before presenting my own opinion.
The supporters of modern style claim that it is the sign of development which cannot be reversed. First of all, modern buildings provide functions which are not possessed by traditional buildings. For instance, emergency exit and digital subscriber loop inner wall are basic and necessary parts of new buildings, whereas traditional ones cannot have these functions which are the necessities of people in modern life. Secondly, modern buildings are more economical than traditional ones in terms of space. New buildings are designed to exploit each inch of land because land resources are becoming less and limited, in contrast, old buildings do not make good use of these resources. And the third, modern style keeps the pace with the world. In other words, new buildings represent that local people have opening mind and accept new cultures.
The supporters of traditional style suggest that it is the only to keep cultural identity. For one thing, those buildings play a vital role in handing down historic heritage and traditions, for children and young people can learn their past and traditions from traditional buildings which are the evidence of history. For another, traditional buildings could be a symptom of cultural identity which attracts the world and further provides opportunities to locals.
General speaking, I personally consider that "traditional versus modern" is not a debate because they are not mutually exclusive. It would be a better choice that both of them work co-operatively in order to embellish cities, and it tends to develop into virtuous circle in where traditional buildings are based on modern ones and vice versa.
Whether modern buildings should be replaced by traditional buildings is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about the government takes responsibilityactionof on protecting a nation's cultural identity. -------- If you try to tell your ideas in short sentences and in direct speech, you would be more comfortable with your flow. For example;
It is the responsibility of the government to protect its nation's cultural heritage and identity. Therefore some people believe that the government should take action to ensure that the new buildings are built in traditional style.
I'd like to compare new buildings with old buildings before presenting my own opinion.-------- With my TOEFL experience, I feel it is better that you declare (or atleast give some hint about ) your stance in the introductory para and give reasons in your next two or three paragraphs to support your stand. Therefore I suggest;
However, in my opinion, a developed city need both traditional and modern buildings and therefore they play complemenory roles in adding value to a city. I wish to reinforce my opinion in the following paragraphs;
The supporters of modern style claim that it is the sign of development which cannot be reversed. First of all, modern buildings provide functions which are not possessed by the traditional buildings are unable to facilitate . For instance, emergency exit and digital subscriber loop inner wall are basic and necessary parts of new buildings, whereas traditional ones cannot have these functions which are the necessities of people in modern life. -------------- A very good point. Tell the reader about their importance --- security
Secondly, modern buildings are more economical than traditional ones in terms of space. New buildings are designed to exploitutilizeeachevery inch of land for a purpose because land is a scarce resourcesare becoming less and limited. , inIn contrast, the old buildings do not make good use of these resourcesare not designed to use floor area very efficiently . And the third Further, modern style keeps the pace with the world. In other words, new buildings represent that local people have opening mindare open minded and ready to accept new cultures.
You have very clever points. Good Luck!!
dumi:
I have seen what you have modified in my writing and want to say thank you for your posts.
Perhaps my idea is as good as you say, but you know how poor my expression is .
By the way, I really hope you could kindly tell me how to improve my expression which is indeed Chinglish and puzzles me for a long time.
Hey, wait a minute! Don't you have it backwards? It is a question of whether traditional buildings should be replaced by modern buildings.
Also...
I'd like to compare new buildings with old buildings before presenting my own opinion. (Add a thesis sentence here to express the main idea of the essay). END OF FIRST PARAGRAPH.
PARAGRAPH 2:
The supporters of modern style claim that it is the sign
General speaking, I personally consider that "traditional versus modern" is not a debate because they are not mutually exclusive. It would be a better choice that both of them work co-operatively cooperatively in order to embellish cities, and it tends to develop...
Wow! I am so impressed. First of all, there is nothing wrong with Chinglish. All languages change with time and develop new dialects. The language is for YOU to use. And many people speak multiple languages... like you. Second of all, this essay is great! Very good grammar.
Wow! I am so impressed. First of all, there is nothing wrong with Chinglish. All languages change with time and develop new dialects. The language is for YOU to use. And many people speak multiple languages... like you. Second of all, this essay is great! Very good grammar.
Thanks, Kevin.
Wow, your commonts really make a sense to me.
I'm confused about whether I should laugh or cry:(
First of all, I have to admit that my Chinglish is serious. If you can heal it, please kindly inform me with free charge.
Secondly, I will post another essay soon, please have a look.
Here is an example to make my point. You made a mistake here, but it is not a bad mistake. When people say "free of charge," it is an unusual way to use English. It is no surprise that you used it incorrectly:
If you can heal it, please kindly inform me with free charge.
If you can heal it, please kindly inform me free of charge.
But I understood what you meant.
Try to think from my perspective. I talk to hundreds of people, and some speak perfect English while other speak "broken" English because they are bilingual. But who are the most helpful, valuable people? I would rather hire a bilingual person with broken English.
Do you see what I mean? Your future is bright.
