Please help me revise this essay, I feel like it doesn't flow quite well as I want it to. Thanks in advance. Willing to take any criticism, just throw them at me :D
lamdang.webs.com <---- actually there are 3 essays I need help with
President Obama said, "We are facing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression" (Tapper) Most of us would not have any problem believing that. We all have friends or relatives struggling to keep their job or even just to get a job. Our economy has gone bad enough that the government has to get involved. Recently, many legislations had been passed, such as, the bailout plan, the stimulus plan... None of them seem to have taken effect yet. It is the time we need to realize that a new Great Depression can be avoided only if we understand our situation. It is the time we need to know loss of confidence, unemployment rate, national debt, and credit spending are the reasons for this financial crisis.
First, let's face it. We are no longer having faith in our economy. Many economists predict the shadow of the Black Friday is coming back as the stock market keeps falling steadily. The funny thing is that whenever the auto industry, bank, or stock market gets into trouble; they always turn around asking the government for help. The system has allowed those businesses to grow so much that they become a vital part of our country. What about hundreds of thousands of small businesses that failed last year? What happened to the saying "small business is the backbone of our economic system?" Furthermore, "the dollar has fallen sharply, about 30 percent, against the euro during this past year" (Rahn). This makes all importing goods more expensive and of course, inflation. Also, the declining value of the dollar contributes to the rise of gasoline and oil prices everywhere. Altogether, they lead to our loss of confidence in the economy.
Let's move on to another issue. Yesterday, when having a problem with my internet connection, I decided to call AT&T. I spent 20 minutes on the phone, mostly just to figure out what in the world the Indian technician was trying to tell me. I believe I am not the only one having this problem. Is it kind of weird when you call an American company and some guys in the Middle East answer your phone? This is a problem with our society today. More and more jobs are sent oversea while many Americans are unemployed. Some sources even claim the unemployment rate is now at 13.9%. Besides, companies are trying to substitute U.S. workers with foreign guest workers right on American land! They have their reasons; guest workers are highly educated, highly skilled and cheap, but I strongly believe that American jobs should be reserved for Americans.
Moreover, it is time to confront the truth: as a nation, we borrow more than we can pay back. The national debt is now almost 11 trillion. What are the reasons? First off, "we produce less than we consume" (Badaracco). We have had a trade deficit for years and have to send money to foreign countries to make up the difference. Except for milk there are not many things really "made in USA." As I just mentioned, many of once-American-jobs are now overseas. One little personal example, a friend of mine is working for Motorola as a phone technician, making $13/hour. He will not have a job this summer because Motorola decided to move to Mexico where they can employ three or four Mexicans for the same pay. In consequence, more and more dollars flow out of the country.
Last but not least, 25 banks failed last year alone and according to many economists, this is not the end. For instance, the credit boom is one of the main problems that cause a chain reaction. The major reason for this is irresponsibility as we get used to the idea of buying now and paying back later. Unfortunately, some of us just buy but cannot pay. As a result, banks do not have any money to loan out. There are not many people who can pay cash for their house or car and they cannot get a loan. Guess what they will do? They will not buy anything. Here comes the problem. Our economy is based on expenditure and now people are stopping purchasing goods. It leads to a reduction in the amount of goods produced and thus the workforce. People lose their jobs and cannot pay their credit card debts, which will put more weight on the bank. The unemployment rate rises as there is less spending. Consequently, they lead to a financial crisis.
It is so wrong to leave our financial problem to the government or to God. We, as Americans, should have a full understanding of our situation and find a way to solve it by ourselves. We are a nation of hope and opportunity. We survived the Great Depression back in the 1930's, and we can do it again this time.
Works Cited
Badaracco, Robert. "Reasons for the Financial Crisis." Ezine @rtices.
Ellis, David. "Get ready for a wave of bank failures." CNN Money.
Rahn, Richard. "How Far Will the Dollar Fall?" Cato Institute. December 30, 2003. The Washington Times.
Tapper, Jake, Sunlen Miller. "At the Foothills of the Smokey Mountains, Obama Assails McCain Attacks." Blog ABC News.
Well, for an essay with this title, you would need to compare and contrast now with the Great Depression. So, what was the unemployment rate in the Great Depression? What is it now? What has it been in the past few recessions? What about inflation? GDP contraction? And so on. Once you have all of the information about the economic conditions at the time of the Great Depression, previous recent recessions, and this one, then you will be able to determine if this is a New Great Depression, or merely an ordinary recession hyped by certain political figures for political purposes.
Great ideas from Sean; and Marcel explained a problem better than I could have: overly colloquial. What a great way to explain that! It is overly conversational, which is good for some types of essays but not others.
Really, it may be entirely appropriate to use that tone -- if it is right for the class. A few centuries ago, when essays were used in coffee houses as entertainment, etc., by the masters like Montaigne, essays served as written speeches, and some were very conversational.
You mentioned that it does not seem to flow, and that is because you unnecessarily stop yourself sometimes. Let the ideas flow forward without the stop-and-go traffic feeling:
First, let's face the fact that no longer have faith...
Instead of this, Let's move on to another issue. ... you might say: Let's move onto the issue of outsourcing labor.
Incidentally, this issue of outsourcing labor is more complicated than you might think. In some ways, it benefits American economy -- although, it certainly is a harsh practice sometimes. Then again, the skilled laborers in India, Malaysia, etc., need jobs, too! Check out this ink for good info: mckinsey.com/mgi/mginews/offshoring.asp
