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The new Internet problems. Threat for the children and cyber crime - IELTS


gundampro 1 / -  
Jun 16, 2015   #1
The internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, but also created problems that did not exist before.
What are the problems and solution?

The advent of the Internet has marked a breakthrough in sharing and consuming information during the twenty first century. However, this outstanding achievement associates with unprecedented issues relating to underage access to dangerous websites and a cyber crime. This essay will seek to find solutions to combat these problems.

First, the Internet is conducive to young children's access to pornography sites, which may impair their mental health. Although, the age requirement is put in place during the register process, children can still make a fictitious claim about their ages. To tackle the problem more effectively, parents ought to closely monitor online children activities. Using some computer programs, like Parent Control, parents may track and control over the online activities of their children with ease. The suggested solution, therefore, show its viability to tackle the Internet-related issue.

In addition, human now is facing to a new cyber crime, namely identity theft. For example, after armed with personal information stolen from victims, a malicious person may impersonate them to access the existing accounts or apply for loans which damage severely the credit history of the victim. A solution to remedy this is to minimize as far as possible the risk of being deprived of personal information. For instance, Internet users should refrain themselves from disclosing their personal information on Facebook. By doing this, they can protect themselves from creating a conducive environment for identity online theft.

In summary, the co-ordination of parents in keeping an eye on their children and the caution taken by Internet users show to be effective in addressing the Internet-related problems. It is hoped that along with exploiting the benefits of the Internet, people can also preclude the possibility of falling victims to spiteful anonymity.

This is my first essay on this forum, so I really want someone to let me know which band score I can get with the above essay.

Thanks!!

justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 17, 2015   #2
Gundam, WELCOME TO EssayForum, definitely one of the best forums you can ever be.

Now, I will work on your essay. Upon proof reading it, here's what I found;

- However, this outstanding achievement associates with unprecedented issues relating to underage access to dangerous websites and a cyber crime.

- First, the Internet is conducive to young children's access to pornography sites, which may impair their mental health.

- Although, the age requirement is put in place during the registerregistration process, children can still make a fictitious claim about their ages.

- A solution to remedy this isis to minimize as farmuch as possible the risk of being deprived of personal information.

- For instance, Internet users should refrain themselves from disclosing their personal information on Facebook.

- In summary, the co-ordinationcoordination ( this is one word ) of parents in keeping an eye on their children and the caution taken by Internet users showhas shown to be effective in addressing the Internet-related problems.

So there you have it Gundam, hopefully the corrections I made will help you.
Score will be at 7, I believe you wrote this essay well and the flow and sentence construction is good.

- Proof read it and you should be good to go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jun 18, 2015   #3
I also think your writing was very organized. You have good transitions. Well done! Here are some suggestions to improve:

1st paragraph: I would suggest changing "parents ought to" to "parents should" when describing parental monitoring. The computer program is parental controls. You can delete over in that sentence.

2nd paragraph: In the opening sentence, change it to "...humans are now facing a ..." Switch the words from damage severely to "severely damage". Place a comma after this in the next sentence. Change the last sentence to "identity theft online". You could say it has proven to be effective. Delete "the" in this sentence. I think this last sentence needs revision. Do you mean that you hope that internet users avoid exploitation and protect their anonymity?


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