Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood?


odon 12 / 27 2  
Feb 11, 2014   #1
Hi all, please inspect my essay. I will appreciate every suggest and comment.
it is for TOEFL

Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood ?

Every person have his/her own mind about the new restaurant. While someone think the restaurant, specially in his/her neighborhood, is vain to her/his, for someone the restaurant favors them. In my opinion, the restaurant existing in my neighborhood is convenient.

Of course, benefits of the restaurant existing in nearby one's domicile are many. Firstly, it is possible to celebrate and mark such some special events as yearly anniversaries and birthdays of our households by dining together there. I believe that this way would conform to interest of all members of our family. After this, there is no need to waste time on our way back home or take a cab because of being close our home. Furthermore, having the restaurant gives us a auspicious chance to make friend with our neighbors and to befriend profoundly. In order to do that, we have to just invite them to dine with our and their families together at the restaurant being nearby.

Secondly, Let's image that if a failure, such as interrupting flow of electricity or breaking in stove and oven, occurred while cooking, we would have sole choice to go a restaurant. In this case, the restaurant being close is more proper. Moreover, cooking is more time-consuming work. Sometime, after my work I come my home so tired and having no energy to cook. If there is no one who cook, I directly decide to eat at the restaurant. If the restaurant was far away from my home, I would forsake this idea and it would usher me in cooking myself. Fortunately for me , there is a little restaurant nearby though its service is not fast and its meal taste is not better.

In conclusion, Although, in populous and compact town, construction of new buildings are considered as encroaching on such areas as parks, strolling areas and playgrounds, based on understandings mentioned above, the new restaurants, at least one, which render fast services and have delicious meals should be built in my neighborhood.

SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 11, 2014   #2
While, someone think the restaurant, specially in his/her neighborhood, is vain to her/his, for someone the restaurant favors them.

Some people glad of good restaurant availability in their neighbourhood while others vain.

tojust invite them

Let's image that if a failure , such as interrupting flow of electricity or breaking in stove and oven, occurredwhile cooking, we would have sole choice to go a restaurant

One conjunction "while" need 2 verbs
I suggest you to pay attention about commas using.
overall, i get your idea :)
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 11, 2014   #3
Every person have

Every person has / Everybody has / All persons have

While someone think the restaurant, specially in his/her neighborhood, is vain to her/his, for someone the restaurant favors them

This sentence lacks clarity. You need to improve your sentences to deliver your ideas more clearly to the reader. I think it's good if you rephrased the above sentence. Try to to avoid his/her in your sentences, at least too frequently. That tends to distract reader's attention from your writing and makes him feel tired.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Feb 12, 2014   #4
Well, I remember providing you with the essay structure we suggest for this task. I hope you follow those instructions.
Overall, I feel you need to improve on your presentation of ideas. They seem to be presented in a bit complicated style. You can tell the same idea in a more interesting way if you express it more direct.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Feb 23, 2014   #5
You put too many commas in this paragraph. You'd better end your paragraph with a simple structure which only restates what you've done.


Home / Writing Feedback / Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood?