people choices in their leisure time today
There is a growing concern revolving around the dramatic development of technology in today life. The advances in technology have aroused people interest in spending more free time on those with multiple purposes. From my point of view, the drawbacks brought from this tendency could be eclipsed by its significant benefits.
According to using modern gadgets, people have a range of choices to relax in their leisure time. In comparison with those in the past, internet access is available anywhere all around the world as humankind has see rapid process in wireless network. Therefore, not only can people stay in touch with their families, relatives and friends by social media whenever they want, they also enjoy online shopping instead of going to brick and mortar shops. People can buy goods and services from comfort of their home by a click of button. In addition, they can immerse themselves in global social networking sites for example Facebook or Youtube in order to stay up-to-date with latest information. It turns out that new technologies like phone, television and social network are of paramount importance nowadays.
On the one hand, there are two serious unflavorable impacts when spending much time on modern electronic devices. Firstly, It will discourage real interaction between people. Despite the easier way to keep in touch, people tend to keep their eyes glued to the screen in free time and ignore the surroundings. The second one is that the threat to health. As following the sedentary lifestyle, youngsters may suffer obesity, and symtomps of poor vision.
In conclusion, It is obvious that the beneficial effects of new technologies on mankind could offset those negative aspects. I am firmly of the opinion that cutting-edge technology have improved our social and will continue developing in the foreseeable future.
This is my feedback for your presentation
-Don't use "for example" in the middle of sentence, use some words like 'such as', 'include' ... to make example.
-Don't use the word 'mankind', use 'humanity' or 'humankind'
-I am firmof
-The cutting-edge technology has
2.You need improve your vocabulary more to make the sentence shorter but enough to illustrate your meaning and more formal
-All around the world => worldwide
-Point of view => perspective
3.When you use the word "on the one hand", it should go with "on the other hand". Besides, you should switch the first to the second paragraph because your structure will more clear that the drawback is eclipsed by its benefit.
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There is a lack of clarity in the overall presentation. The prompt paraphrase isn't really reflective of the original discussion. I believe that is because you do not really have a good grasp of the English language at the moment. It is more like you are still trying to learn how to create proper English simple sentences at this point. For examples, you cannot say "According to using modern gadgets..." Gadgets do not have an opinion as these are inanimate objects used by people. Only people can have an opinion to present in any discussion format. Your discussion points are not related to one another. These create an incoherent paragraph presentation. It is neither cohesive nor coherent. You will score very poorly in that section. The overall essay is really weak in terms of GRA presentation. The reader will have some stressful moment while reading your work. It is not easily understood due to the improper sentence presentations.