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The new use for salicylates reduce number of headaches


xymivy 1 / 2  
Feb 8, 2010   #1
I'm going to take GRE analysis writing test recently. Would you please help me to revise this argument. Thank you!

ARGUMENT35 - The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.

"Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."


By giving evidence concerned with the study of Salicylates in foods, the author come to the conclusion that the new use of salicylates will lead to a continued steady decline in the number of headaches of citizens of Mentia. However, the evidences are inadequate to support the conclusion.

To begin with, there is no difference between salicylates and aspirin in the view of the author. It is true that salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, as the author presented. But it does not necessarily means that the aspirin and salicylates are of the same function in treating headaches. It is possible that salicylates are not able to relieve the pain of headaches. If this is the case, the use of salicylates can not be served as an explanation to the steadily declining number of headaches in the study.

Granted that salicylates can be used as aspirin for headache treatments, we are still not convinced about relationship between the commercial use of salicylates and the steady decline number of headaches in the 20-year study. The author simply claimed that the former one lead to the latter one. Unfortunately, this is no the case. Just imagine that how many factors will make one headache. Such possible alternatives may be the changes taken place in the living schedule and psychological states of citizens in Mentia. In a healthier schedule, one will sleep well and get up with a fresh mind, instead of those who burn night oil and get up tired and headache. Moreover, a positive altitude towards stress one might face stimulates him or her to perform well. On the contrary, one faces stress in his job in a bad mood could not solve the problem and add more trouble to his work, which may result in headache. Thus, if people in Mentia were advised to well schedule their life and be positive, it would be possible to see that number of headaches went done in the study. So, all the other factors should be considered to lead to the decline number of headache but not just the use of salicylates.

Finally, the effectiveness of new use of salicylates is doubtable. Even assuming that salicylates are directly related to the declining number of headaches, the author's conclusion is not warrant. The author neglects that salicylates are acting as flavor additives. In such condition, will the salicylates still function well to solve the problem of headache? How effective will it be to cure the headache as additives compared with aspirin used as a medicine? Throughout this argument, we find no answers to these questions, which are straightly linked to the conclusion.

In sum, to improve the validity of conclusion, much more work is to be done to specify the evidence and give supports to the assumptions. Ultimately, to make the argument more reasonable, the conclusion should be drawn carefully in regard of changes that might happen in the use of salicylates.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 9, 2010   #2
When you say the evidence is not adequate to support the conclusion, it is a very simplistic argument. It is good as the second sentence of your intro, but not as the last sentence of the intro. Right now it is both the second and last sentence of the intro, and I suggest adding more clarifyng statements after that sentence. You should "sharpen" the thesis statement by trying to capture in a single sentence -- which you'll add to the end of the intro paragraph -- the nature of the misconception or inadequacy.

Oh, I see that this conclusion para is short, too. I think th intro should be 4 sentences, and the conclusio should be5 or 6 sentences. Add "something extra" in the conclusion.

I see that you write:
...to improve the validity of conclusion, much more work is to be done to specify the evidence and give supports to the assumptions.------ so, add a sentence to extend the intro para by making this same argument: it is not that the observations this guy made are wrong; it's that more work needs to be done in order to make a stronger case. So.. I suggest extending both the intro and the conclusion to strengthen this. It's very well-written already.

:-)
OP xymivy 1 / 2  
Feb 12, 2010   #3
Hi, Kevin! Thanks for your reply!

I see your point and I'll take your advise. Well, since my mother tongue is not English but Chinese, I'm not very confident in my usage of words and expressions. Is there some certain expressions awkward in my essay? I wish you would help me figure them out, if any.

Thank you!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 13, 2010   #4
Well, you sould not worry too much about awkwardness. In a globalising world, with English being such a prominent language, English will take many forms. Your way of using it is just as good as mine, so you are ready to conquer the world (or at least your professional field.)

:-)

But here is something:
But it does not necessarily means that the aspirin and salicylates are of the same function in treating headaches. It is possible that salicylates are not able to relieve the pain of headaches. If this is the case, the use of salicylates cannot serve as an explanation for the steadily declining number of headaches in the study.--- compare this to the way you wrote it, and read it aloud.

serve as an explanation for
does not necessarily mean (no s)
cannot is one word.

:-)
OP xymivy 1 / 2  
Feb 15, 2010   #5
Thanks for your comments!
You give me some confidence to deal with GRE analytical writing test!


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