Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

New Zealand: the cricket as a sport which attracted the smallest number of girls to involve in


hanhchoick 1 / 2  
Dec 6, 2016   #1
The chart below gives information about the most common sports played in New Zealand in 2002.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.


I wrote two essays following different manners. can anyone revise for me and tell me which one is better ? I will be appreciated

Ex1

The chart shows us figures about sports which was playing most popular in New Zealand in 2002.

Overall, as can be seen cricket was a sport attracted the smallest number of girls to involve in, with just about one percent. While soccer, as always, was the most favorite sport with boys.

To begin with, we will start with sports which was preferred by girls rather than boy: Netball saw a strongly excess of girls' involving number compared with boys with 25 percent and one percent respectively. Swimming stood behind with 22.5 percent of girls involving in, while the figures with boys was 13 percent. There also have althtics that girls and boys gained five and four percent respectively.

Then, the second group was likely sports not for girls or it required two much physically muscle: Soccer was counted 24 percent for boys and five percent for girls. Tenis and basketball have quite similar statistical number, in which boys was nine and eight percent while girls took seven percent and 5.5 percent. Especially in cricket, there saw the longest distance between boys and girls up to nine percent, in which the boys was higher with ten percent.

Ex2:

The chart shows information on sports which was played most common in Newzealand in 2002.

Firstly, we consider Sports which saw not much different between two genders: Basketball and Tenis shared a quite similar pattern, where as almost 8 percent of the boys played these games while this figure of the girls was 6 percent. Athletics attracted quite a modest amount of player that almost-merely 5 percent of both the boys and the girls involved in this game.

Secondly, the others which showed the deep separation between two genders. Socer and cricket was seemingly considered the sports for man in this country, this was proved respectively by the gap of 10 and 20 percent between the boys and the girls . In contrast, the girls dominated in netball and swimming that the number of girls taking part in these sports excessed the boys by 24 and 10 percent respectively.

In summary, inspite of the fact that the girls have beat the boys in some sports but in the larger point of view boy still be the biggest force participating in sports

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Dec 6, 2016   #2
Nguyen, in my opinion, the first version better reflects the chart information. By the way, please remember to include the chart, diagram, illustration, or whatever file it is that you are basing the information on. We use it for comparison purposes with your essay. The reason that I say the first essay works better is because it covers the minimum 3 sentences per paragraph requirement for this writing task. It seems to present an accurate depiction of the (unseen) information from the chart. This is why we need that chart from you, we need to make sure the information you are presenting is accurate and does not have a different meaning from what the chart is providing. Overall, I believe that the first version would work best in an actual test setting.

You should develop the confidence to present only one essay for our review in the future. That is because in an actual test setting, you will writing under a time constraint and will not have the opportunity to present two versions for the examiner to choose from. It is of the utmost importance to your final score in the actual test that you accomplish your practice tests under the same time pressure setting as the actual test. There are certain liberties, such as writing two essay versions, that will not be available to you at that time. So you need to make sure that you always get it right the first time. These practice tests are meant to help you develop that skill and confidence prior to taking the test. So always do the practice tests under actual test settings. No exceptions.
yika 6 / 12 1  
Dec 7, 2016   #3
Hello, this is my correction for you

about sports which waswere(remember that the subject is sports which are plural noun)

sports which waswere preferred by girls rather than boyboys(remember that the subject is sports which are plural noun)

while the figures with on boys wasat 13 percent. There also have althticsathletics that girls

Socer and cricket waswere seemingly (remember that the subject is plural, so you must use plural verb too)

thank you
OP hanhchoick 1 / 2  
Dec 9, 2016   #4
@yika
I have learned a lot of things, thanks to you. I still have so many unnecessary mistakes in tobe-adopting sentences. Therefore, no doubt, i should improve this from now on.
OP hanhchoick 1 / 2  
Dec 9, 2016   #5
@Holt
Im definitely paying attention to lay pictures next time. Thank you for your advices, they are worth to me
clementiness - / 2 1  
Dec 9, 2016   #6
I am also interested in ilets and following up so many sources "we" language is not preffered so much.
you should avoid it and made it academic such as the figure shows, regarding the xxx rate, etc...

and overall is not a great start for the first paragraph you should describe the diagram and data briefly in by giving location and date

The chart below gives information about the most ...
The chart illustrates the information of the popular sports (x,y,x) played in New Zealand in 2002


Home / Writing Feedback / New Zealand: the cricket as a sport which attracted the smallest number of girls to involve in