hi guys, this is my coursework 1 can you please check it for any errors
Night at the castle
It's cold and humid. The corridor looks like black murder alleys. I sense the presence of the dead, the screams of damned plunged in the depth of the water abyss surrounding this fallen palace. Grave enchanting whispers draw me in and I walk on, straight inside the "mouth of hell". My judgement is clouded by fog, I can't see clear, my ears have gone deaf; my hands are numbed by the ice of the midnight moon. The walls are sweating for my sake, my tears won't fall, and they'll stay still like this doomed place, illuminated by silver dusk.
Insects crawled in the perpendicular corners of the passage. I was prey to the horrors of my incubus. From afar, I discerned a stoned door, crystallised with ornaments made of gold. Upon entering the vastness beyond the gate, I was greeted with the expense of the hanging chandeliers enclosed with a flame flambeau inked with black damp. And all was lit up, a prolonged table sat at the centre of the room. Atop settled argent plate and golden cups filled with pure tears. Bones were scattered, they encompassed the girth of the lectern. The emptiness displayed solitude; I couldn't help but feel aggravated. So I walked on, straight to the "valley of death"
My body feels heavy, my mind is protesting but my legs won't stop moving. Numerous doors appear and disappear in and out of sight. My eyes catch a glimpse of an endless stairwell, engraved with cursive helve. Each step leads to another and continues into a boundless spiral. My vitality had drastically decreased, but the mystery leads me on. There seems to be no end in sight, I wonder if each night is covered with bright stars like tonight. Black crows rest on the broken holes of the dams. The windowless windows wear out as fungi feeds on its cement like hybrid wolves roaming in forests in the middle of the night. I am prey to my own mind, my obsession, my fascination is out of control, and I reach the end of my fatigue.
My mind....has broken down....
Ropes hover above me, and all sized remains are jingled up together. A child in the arms of a mother, and a father with a broken leg. The smell of rotten flesh makes me ruminate. I gag for dear life, adrenaline shoots through my veins, and I scream and run. I ignore the intriguing tables; I want to get out of this maze alive. But the black birds stare at me with red eyes. Their malice expressing their ambiguity, as if waiting for my annihilation, my dissolution.
And as a rush through the same corridors, I go back on to my steps. I see the entrance to this inferno. I smile, I can finally get out. I extend my arms push against the moving egress, but the creek resonates.... It echoes, thought it is outside. Something is wrong! I see red, crimson velvet cloth covering the walls, colossal candela brume descending upon earth, masked again with gold and wine lit with black flare and holocaust. Hyperventilation, I suffocate.
The roof was made of blood rubies, while I observed the doors slammed shut. There were no echoes, no sounds aside from the creek that the phantoms of my fears made. Everything aside from the lantern and the roof was ebony and coal. As I was about to take a step, mutilated body parts came falling down like a cascade. Cruor rainfall shower upon me, I entered my blackout... It feels nice being asleep; the release of endorphins makes you forget the pain, the sad memories and harsh events that have ever happened in your life. This heaven is much better than the hell of a castle. Aaaaaah sweet dreams!!!!
"So annoying, How long are you gonna sleep?" Sweet, honeyed silky voice"
I opened my left eye painfully, "Did you like my performance darling? I made an attempt to stand, but I failed miserably as I slipped.
"Why waste so much blood? Love, this could have been a supply for a year?"
Complaining is a waste of time. I started at my hands and licked the blood off them
"But it's been so long since I was this excited, we don't often get so many visitors. I was hungry for God's sake and besides you should have seen how they squealed like little worthless rats. I gently made my way to her. I caressed her swelled belly.
"How is our child? Not dead from your joy, I suppose?" leaving that aside we entered a seat embrace "Let's rest for now, my love"
And the two walked away, kicking the shredded human legs, arms and exposed organs, such as their ripped intestines and overflowing enzyme liquid and the blood pool left at their feet. Humans are strange creatures, they deceive and cowardly trample each other, they steal and are stolen from. In this case, the monsters stole their future. In that same castle are the monsters that steal lives from cherished homes. A blood thirsted couple, of which one is exotic but sadistic woman and another is a man willing to humiliate and kill himself for the pleasure of his wife. Anyone who enters the premises, without permission and constant, get strangled, ravaged and brutally ripped by the scythe of the God termination
Will you dare the castle?
thanks
I sense influences of Twilight, a little Edgar Allan Poe, and some horror living dead influences in your essay. That is alright. The combination of those are what make for good Gothic narratives. However, your opening is weak. You were not really able to set up the immersive experience for the reader because of the limitations of a first person narration. The more effective narratives of this sort tell it from the second or third person point of view as it allows you to deviate from the setting, allowing for better scene and action development.
There is also a problem with your transition from scene to scene. For example you end your paragraph with " Hyperventilation, I suffocate. " Then you immediately go to the next paragraph with "The roof was made of blood rubies, while I observed the doors slammed shut. The question now becomes; "How did you get from point A (suffocation) to Point B (the roof). Always transport the reader to the next scene with a descriptive transition before you introduce the new events.
In the end, an otherwise relatively well written Gothic story was only marred by your ability to better narrate and transition the story. This is a good effort though and should get a somewhat good great with some comments for improvement from your professor.
thanks but could you give me a head start of my introduction because I dont really seem to understand how should I start?
The introduction will depend upon what it is that you want to convey to your reader. Do you just want to set up the scene? Or just offer a description? What kind of reaction do you want to illicit from the reader? For example, you can set up the scene by saying:
I knew I wasn't supposed to pass anywhere near Twilight Castle after midnight. I grew up on the bloody tales of corpses found just outside its gates, or blood curdling cries for help emanating from its towers. Fact or fiction, nobody in our community would be caught dead there at this hour. I didn't have a choice. The bridge was being repaired and this was the fastest way home. The smell of fresh blood crept up my nose as I...
or you could say:
The Twilight Castle was one of those areas in our town where the horrorific folklore of people gone missing or vampires coming out at night were usually based on. I can't fault the people for making up those crazy stories. After all, the castle did look like it jumped out of a Dracula novel. Then one night, I had to pass down it's way after midnight. The hour when everyone in town would bolt their doors and barricade their windows. I couldn't help but wonder if the stories were more than folklore..."
I know it does not sound like the way you would write it. You should give it a try though. It is important to set up your story from the first paragraph. So get at engaging and creative as you can.
right, thank you, I will make further changes to my essay you are really helpful.
sorry Just one more thing about the changes in the scene how do you think I should start it before the description of my new scene
Try to look back on your Gothic influences. Look at how the masters open their stories. Edgar Allan Poe's Cask of Amontillado should be able to help you develop your opening scene. If your main character is the vampire in the story, you can tell the reader of how he met his fate in a summary form. Or, you can present the story of an innocent who met a dire fate when he entered the castle, just in overview form. No presentation of characters yet, fading to black and then starting the story in the next paragraph. Kind of like how the first victim is always presented in those horror flicks.
Or, tell the overview through poetry, explaining the fate of those who dare to enter the castle. Speaking of the first time blood was seen coming out of it. The possibilities are really endless but you first need to thresh out your story and outline the way you want to tell it. Right now, you just seem to be throwing all of the ideas on paper instead of actually developing it.
You need to know what will happen in each paragraph before you write it. Think of what will happen and envision how you will present it. Write it down if you need to. Make a solid reference list for you to turn to as you develop the story. Remember, a good story is wasted if you can't develop the story line properly :-)
The smell of fresh blood crept up my nose as I made my way to the 'mouth of hell'.
My judgement is clouded by fog, I can't see clear, my ears have gone deaf; my hands are numbed by the ice of the midnight moon...
do you think the sentence that I put fits into what's stating does it make sense?
gothic descriptive piece
I knew I wasn't supposed to pass anywhere near Twilight Castle after midnight. I grew up on the bloody tales of corpses found just outside its gates, or blood-curdling cries for help emanating from its towers. Fact or fiction, nobody in our community would be caught dead there at this hour. I didn't have a choice. The bridge was being repaired and this was the fastest way home. The smell of fresh blood crept up my nose as I made my way to the 'mouth of hell'.
My judgement is clouded by fog, I can't see clear, my ears have gone deaf; my hands are numbed by the ice of the midnight moon
I am confused of what to do in the first paragraph.
I see some grammatical errors in your essay. I'm not one to be the grammar police, but I think a thorough review of your document is warranted.
Take for instance the opening paragraph:
It's cold and humid. The corridor looks like ...
Should look something like:
The corridor looks like the scene of so many murderous alleys. Cold and humid, the night air bites at the skin. My skin crawls as if being watched. I sense the presence of the dead. Imagining the screams of the damned who have plunged into the depths of the watery abyss surrounding this fallen palace. As I walk into the mouth of hell I am drawn deeper by enchanting whispers. My head becomes clouded, as if a fog has entered my mind. My vision is gone, my ears deaf. Glancing at the midnight moon I realize my hands have gone numb. The walls surrounding me seem to sweat, as if they know warmth is what I need, taunting me. My tears frozen before they can form, stuck in place, and there they will stay, like this doomed place.
Overall it is a good submission. It just needs more revision to be great.
I am no english major, just my two cents. Good luck!
What are you confused about? If you can explain to me what it is you are trying to do, maybe I can help you sort it out so you can improve your work :-) Ignore the comments about the grammar problems for now that Jaime made. Don't let that confuse you. Just concentrate on writing the story for now. The grammar can be cleaned up when you have the final content written :-)
It's cold and humid. - Where are you at this point in the castle? Set it up. "I walk through the vine filled path, dried leaves breaking under the pressure of my feet. I see a door hidden behind overgrown Mahogany tree branches. It feels heavier than my own weight as the door seems to cry out for blood as my shoulder heaves against it..."
"So annoying, How long are you gonna sleep?" Sweet, honeyed silky voice" - Another scene set up before the dialogue. Who is speaking? Where are you? What is annoying?
You have to develop the story before you continue. Know what you want your characters to do and how they will be doing it before you draft the scene.
so I am trying to say that I was walking in the castle and something draws me in but I don't know what to put exactly that drew my attention. out of eagerness I decide to enter it and I described what the castle looks like but
I walk through the vine filled path, dried leaves breaking under the pressure of my feet. I see a door hidden behind overgrown Mahogany tree branches. It feels heavier than my own weight as the door seems to cry out for blood as my shoulder heaves against it. {As I walk through the intimidating pathway various noises became recognisable filling my dreary head with droning confusion. I found myself spinning around searching for the unknown source. My thoughts began to blur, my sense of reality, disappeared, transported into a world of deceit and terror, all the light had seemed to vanish before my altered eyes. My judgement is clouded by fog, I can't see clear, my ears have gone deaf; my hands are numbed by the ice of the midnight moon. Grave enchanting whispers, shrieks of terror, pain, cries of help, defining warnings draw me in as I made my way in and at that moment I felt as though this would be my last day of earth possibly the last breath I ever drew.} help with this paragraph please
Iman, let me see if I can offer you an example of how to write this opening paragraph.
The dark clouds in the night skies of Tinselberry Town were moving fast, seemingly with a purpose. The full moon was casting it's ominous bright light across the streets. The clouds and the moon seemed to be trying to outrun each other. I found myself moving at the same pace. The banging of the town clock high in the tower of the local city hall pierced the almost freezing, still, and silent night air. It was midnight on the night when everyone in the town locks their doors before the last peal of the clock. Yet here I was, still walking the streets with the sounds of locking doors behind me. Prevented from seeking the safety of a hotel room in this strange town that did not have one. My car sat just on the outskirts, drained of its life giving battery.
I had heard of this town before but had never really visited it. The town had an almost folkloric existence because of Twilight Castle. The castle that no one dared to even venture near to. I heard a voice shouting a word of caution as I approached a road.
"Dare not go down that road! Twilight Castle is at its end!"
I waved his warning off as I went deeper into what I thought was an alley.
I walk through the vine filled path, dried leaves breaking under the pressure of my feet. I see a door hidden behind overgrown Mahogany tree branches. It feels heavier than my own weight as the door seems to cry out for blood as my shoulder heaves against it. As I walk through the intimidating pathway , various noises became recognisable , filling my weary head with confusion. I found myself spinning around searching for the unknown source.
My thoughts began to blur, my sense of reality, disappeared, transported into a world of deceit and terror, all the light had seemed to vanish before my eyes. My judgement is clouded by fog, I can't see clearly, my ears can no longer sense any sound, not even a pin falling. My hands are numbed by the moss that seems to be turning into ice on the walls. Grave enchanting whispers, shrieks of terror, pain, cries of help, defining warnings draw me in as I made my way in and at that moment I felt as though this would be my last day on earth. Each breath was possibly the last breath I I would ever draw.
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See if you can use the additions I made to come up with your own original opening scene :-)
right, do you think I should leave the dialogue at the end or should I remove it.
The dialogue actually adds to the sense of foreboding to the story so I think you should leave it in there. Remember, in all of these stories, there are always the well meaning people of the town who will try to dissuade the victim from going into a situation of sure harm. So regardless of how simple the dialogue or sense of irrelevance the dialogue seems to have at the beginning, I believe that as your story progresses, you will find that the dialogue at the beginning to have a use later on.
However, you should also consider whether there is a more fitting dialogue in the middle of the narrative that will have a better overall effect upon the essay. If you can come up with several versions of the essay,. each with a different approach to the warning the lead character, then you will be albe to decide if you want to keep this version, with this dialogue intact or not.
The decision as to whether the dialogue should stay or not is the writer's prerogative. While I believe that you can approach this creative story in one way, you may have another idea that you want to use or try out. Don't let me stop you from using your creative juices. Whichever version you feel good about when you read it is the version you should use :-)
