Son, this is a direct response essay. As such, your reasons or discussion outline should be presented at the end of the paragraph paraphrase as the thesis statement / discussion points. This allows the reader to understand what the flow of discussion will be and what topics for discussion will be presented. Unfortunately, your sentences and paragraphs are so badly developed that the reader is unable to immediately understand what you are trying to say.
For instance, your opening paragraph is highly confusing:
there is a popular claim that many people currently decide to give birth to the children when they are young, until they get older instead.
- The thing is that the discussion is about people are deciding to have children later in life. This particular presentation has conflicting statements. There is no reference to people wanting to have children when they are younger. The reference is when they are older in life. You cannot use the phrase "decide to give birth to children when they are young, until they get older." The proper presentation should indicate only " when they get older".
Your full discussion is, like I said, confusing and irrelevant to the discussion. When the TA considerations are considered, the essay will not get a score higher than a 4. Add to that the also low scores for C&C, LR, and GRA, and you will have a non-passing score for this essay presentation. Before you can write a good essay in English, you first have to understand what the topic is about and how you are being asked to discuss it. At this point, it is clear that you cannot do either.
Here is a suggestion, for your next practice test, don't write an essay in response to it immediately. Read the samples from other students first. Learn about how they wrote it, what mistakes they made and how to avoid it. Then go and read your prompt again and approach the writing from the point of view of someone who is clear about what he has to write about. That is how you can best learn how to improve your Task 2 writing skills.