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Number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University

LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Sep 28, 2020   #1
IELTS Task 1:
The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph provided demonstrates how many students from Iran, Turkey and Greece were admitted to Sheffield University from 2005 to 2009. Overall, Greece and the other two countries diverged evidently in student enrollment. Greek students enrolled at a slower pace, while more and more Turkish and Iranian students entered the university.

In 2005, Sheffield University enrolled much more Greek students than those from any other country listed, 180 to less than 40. However, Greek freshmen rapidly diminished to approximately 70 in 2007, by which Greece was overtaken by Iran and Turkey in enrollment. Afterwards, Greek student enrollment continued to slide, to about 30 in 2009.

The enrollment of Iranian students growed in parallel with that of Turkish students by 2008, when the former began to soar. In 2009, Iran became the largest source country as 160 Sheffield University freshmen were Iranian, a striking rise from less than 40 in 2005. The number of Turkish students who enrolled in the university also saw a considerable increase, from around 20 in 2005 to over 120 in 2009.

kuro 1 / 2 1  
Sep 28, 2020   #2
My suggestions might be wrong because I'm not a native english speaker, but i've been in the US for over 8 years so they are considerable.

--paragraph 1--
... Turkey, and Greece (you have to end with a ", and" because your descrbing a series)

--paragraph 2--
180 to less than 40. ----> according to the graph, the number is around 45

Afterwards, ... (afterwards is not a word)

-- paragraph 3--
Iranian students growed -----> grown(sounds more appropriate)

parallel with that of Turkish students by 2008 ----> according to the graph, Iranian and turkish are touching, but parallel means they are not touching. Also, "with that of" doesn't make sense.

hopefully these will help.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Sep 30, 2020   #3
In the summary overview, you could have avoided using the word "evidently" as the word "diverged" is clear enough. Do not over emphasize in your presentations as this could lead to incorrect grammar usage (e.g. diverged evidently), which may affect the GRA score for the task 1 essay. You should also avoid over used English phrases such as "more and more". Use a more academic term such as "continued to increase" or "continued to enter universities."

"Much more" is redundant. Use "more" instead. Most of your errors in this presentation, as far as I can tell, have to do more with English fluency than anything else. You are over using English phrases which do not really apply to the presentation such as; "by which Greece was overtaken" ( correcty: in 2007, after which, Greece was over taken...). Another GRA error that screams on the page is "The enrollment of Iranian students growed (grew) in parallel to..."

At this point, you need to focus on polishing your sentence structures and grammar. You need to sound natural. Don't over do the presentation by using the tired phrases and word references. Be careful in your tense usage as well. You can relax though, even with these errors, I am confident that you will get a higher than average passing score in the Task 1 test.

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