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IELTS TASK 1 - the number of live births per thousand of population per year in China and the USA

thaihuynh 1 / 2  
Jan 20, 2020   #1

Birth Rates in China and the USA

Compare changes in the birth rates of China and the USA between 1920 and 2000. Overall, the graph provided illustrates some astonishingly similarities between the Chinese and the US birth rates during the period from 1920 to 2000. It is clear that both nations experienced significant fluctuations in fertility with lows during the 1940s and highs during 1950s.

During the first two decades, there was a rise of 5 percent from 1920 to 1935 of China's birth rates, then it dramatically dropped to a low of just 5 percent in 1940, this was followed by a sustained growth which reached a peak of 10 percent in 1930. The latter half of the graph, however, brought a sustained declined in this figure.

The US birth rate, mean while, fluctuated at somewhere between 11 and 13 percent prior to 1930, then declining to 5 percent in 1945. 5 years after that, it saw a marked rise in this rate, to somewhere in the vicinity of 15 percent in 1930, followed by a steady fall.

It is worth noting that while the birth rates both countries were very similar until 1950, the gap between them made a distance after this time as fertility in China slid away.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,901 2173  
Jan 21, 2020   #2
The essay is informative and uses the information from the graph in a comprehensive manner. However the first sentence of the summary paragraph appears to have been a cut and paste of the title of the graph. Try to come up with a better presentation next time. One that feels more descriptive in your own words. This one feels like you did not trust yourself to try to come up with a better summary description for the chart. There are word choice errors such as "mean while", which should have been spelled as one word (meanwhile). Don't use memorized words like "provided", go for a synonym like "supplied". Sentence formation errors abound in the essay such as "... astonishingly similarities" instead of "astonishing similarities", and so on. Basically, you have the right understanding and thought process for analyzing the information, it is the grammar accuracy and lexical resource which is flawed.
OP thaihuynh 1 / 2  
Jan 22, 2020   #3
Thank you!
juhuihjijuh 3 / 8  
Jan 22, 2020   #4
In general, It is so good, however mistakes can be found everywhere unless you are a very experienced writer. Even I make mistakes and ask for feedback in this forum.

It is a good idea to clarify the starting point figures, interesting changes and the figures at the end of the period. You've done the first two ones but you have not fulfilled the third requirement.
OP thaihuynh 1 / 2  
Jan 22, 2020   #5
@juhuihjijuh Thank you!

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