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Number of people aged 65 and more amids USA, Sweden, and Japan for over a century.


ridzkiekky 2 / 1  
Jan 30, 2016   #1
Hello everyone, here is my first essay for practice in IELTS Writing Task 1. I made it for 25 minutes, and I really need your suggestion to make it perfect :)

Proportion of population aged 65 and over - IELTS Writing Task 1 Practice

The line graph compares the percentage of the people age 65 and more among USA, Sweden, and Japan for over a century.
The most noticeable trend is that Japan shoot up throughout the period after gradually rebound in some decades., whereas USA and Sweden rise steadily until 1980. Although the three countries had experienced the drop in several decades, but in general they shows the significant increasing by 2040.

In 1940, around 9 percent of Americans are an elderly people while 7 percent and 5 percent of Swedish and Japanese respectively. USA and Sweden were started to grow the people by more than 5 percent until 1980. On the contrary, Japan had fallen its population slightly in 1940 and stayed at the same level of 3 percent by 1990.

An Elderly population in three countries will predict to increase by 2040. USA and Sweden expect to grow at the same proportion to 23 percent and 25 percent, on the other hand, Japan is predict to increase significantly in the higher percentage.




irhame 52 / 50 25  
Jan 30, 2016   #2
The line graph compares the percentage of ...
The most noticeable trend is that Japan shoot up ...

A comparison of percentage of people aged 65 and above in several developed countries for over 100 year, an over century period is illustrated in the line graph. overall, there were some changes in the line projection. In any case, while Japan shoot up throughout the period after gradually rebound, others rose steadily until 1980.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 31, 2016   #3
As a 25 minute essay, I have to say that you did not do a very good job with it. The essay does not follow the requirements of the test, neither does it show an expert understanding of the information that you were provided with. For starters, the overview summary is only a single sentence long. It does not contain the proper keywords, information, nor summary of the line graph information. The formatting is so incorrect that you actually came up with only a single paragraph for an essay that requires at least 3 paragraphs to be considered complete.

The time that it took you to present this information is amazingly long considering how short and incomplete the actual essay is. I suggest that next time, you try your best to complete individual paragraphs as follows:

1st paragraph - introduction, summary overview of the report
2nd paragraph - expanded illustration information
3rd paragraph - additional information if any (related to a second illustration or otherwise)
4th paragraph - conclusion

If you take the time to list or outline the information from the chart first, you will be able to develop better explanations and paragraph topics. You will also find your essay growing longer as you individualize the information provided in the charts. You will also not take 25 minutes to write this essay.


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