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The number of people in Australia who visited seven the most popular tourist destinations

adaxli 1 / -  
Nov 10, 2017   #1
please kindly revise the essay below from the perspectives of content, grammar and vocabulary.

australian visitors statistics

Given is a table regarding information on the number of people in Australia who visited seven the most popular tourist destination in 1999 and 2009.

It is noticeable that a dramatic increase can be seen in the number of Australian who chose to travel aboard in the decade. Moreover, among all the seven countries, New Zealand was the most preferred place to visit.

In 1999, it is clear that the majority of Australian chose New Zealand to visit, with 500,700 individuals. The second most popular tourist destination was the UK, totalling at 400,000. However, China was less preferred by Australian, at 86,000.

Similarly, in 2009, the number of Australian who chose New Zealand as tourist destination remained on the top with 1,064,000 individuals, a growth rate of 110 percent. In the meantime, it is clear that China showed a robust growth in the number of tourists from Australia, from merely 86,000 in 1999 to 300,000 in 2009. Last but the least, Fuji gained its popularity among Australians with a growth rate of 198 percent. (174 words)

  • the number for New Zealand in 2009 should be 1,064,000
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,185 4306  
Nov 10, 2017   #2
LI , you failed to deliver an accurate summary of the essay in the sense that your opening statement is a cut and paste copy of the original prompt. The overview must always contain a prompt paraphrase, along with the trending statement within 3-5 sentences. Do not separate these into stand alone sentences because these are interconnected information that, when combined in a presentation, increase your TA, C&C, and GRA scores from the onset of the first reading of the test. I am not clear as to how you were supposed to develop the trending statement because, as per my analysis of the chart, the trend should be based on the percentage of visitor growth in line with the 2 years provided. In which case, it is not Australia, but China that had the most visitor growth rate at 256 % when compared to that of New Zealand which is only providing a 110% growth rate. I think you were not really clear as to how to create the trending statement for this essay or, you did not provide the complete instructions for the prompt which is why my analysis is different (but not wrong) when compared to yours. Your information is not as informative as it should be because you only focused solely on the number of visitors to each country, with the percentages incidentally mention. That is not the proper way to compare and contrast this chart. The format should have been:

1. Overview with trending statement
2. Chart information for 1999
3. Chart information for 2009
4. Growth rate ranking

Only 4 paragraphs are required to gain a proper score for this essay task. A conclusion is not required in a Task 1 essay. Always aim to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. It is useless to write only a little over the minimum amount of words, which is what you did here, because you will not be fully utilizing the opportunity to create simple and complex sentences, as well as show off your LR abilities. These two score increasing considerations may only be completed if you try to analyze the information on a deeper basis. By proving your understood and analyzed the chart on a deeper basis, which is what the 4 paragraph format is for, you will be able to aim to increase your final score in the end.

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