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The number of people visiting the music choice and the pop parade sites


nda18 46 / 81 9  
Nov 10, 2016   #1
A breakdown of the information about the comparison between two kinds of new music sites visitor in a fifteen-day period measured in thousand is illustrated in the line graph. Overall, it can be seen that both figures has similar upward trend. Also, the pop parade music are more popular than the music choice.

To begin, initially, the number of people visiting the music choice and the pop parade sites start at approximately 40 and 120 thousands respectively. In the next following day, the former experiences a significant incline and is followed by a stable fluctuation. Meanwhile, the latter shows a gradual decline in the total of visitors of the music sites by 80,000s in the ninth day.

A part from previous comparison, the remarkable changes can be seen in the twelfth and thirteenth day when the number of music choice site visitors overtakes the other. However, the number of people visiting the pop parade site reaches a peak at over 160,000s. Eventually, In any case the music choice site visitor is directly below the highest by more or less 80,000s.




akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 11, 2016   #2
Hi nurul.
Here are my corrections for your writing. Please, find my notes.


Overall, it can be seen that both figures has similar upward trend

Are you sure that those are similar? Be careful of picking up the trends in overview because there is one of essential secores. I am gonna offer the alternative overview.

Overall, it is important to note that visitors on the website prefer to access the site providing a genre of pop parade to music choice. Turning to a number of visitors for two sites, the beginning and last period show the same gap virtually.

Also

This is not a transitive word. Please, you order the proper transitive words to create good flow in your writing.

To begin, initially, the number of people (...) start at approximately 40 and 120 thousands respectively.

present comparisons in your writing like this.
INITIALLY, THE NUMBER OF VISITS FOR THE MUSIC CHOICE STATES AT 40,000s, WHILE THE SITE OF POP PARADE SUCCESSFULLY ATTRACT FOUR TIMES AS MUCH VISITORS.

In the next following day

IN THE NEXT FOLLOWING DAYS. Determining the time also is important because it becomes reference to read your descripsion.

the number of people visiting the pop parade

You have to distinguish between the number people and visits because a person can access the website more times. It is better if you mention visits


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