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Obesity due to high processed wheat


mormontre 6 / 9 7  
Apr 19, 2016   #1
HI guys, what do you think on this Task 2 response? Can it be at least a 7,5 in IELTS academic?

Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?
Nowadays, overweight people are spread all over the world and their number in dramatically increasing. International institutions are financing resources to identify the reasons for this problem, so to develop strategies to avoid it. Interesting results show that authorities should take action in the industry field and improve public awareness.

To begin with, experts showed that the main responsible for obesity is processed wheat. Surprisingly, it was shown that its nutritional information, changed during the refinement process as its nutritive power exceeded many of the recommended standards. As a result, pasta, bread and other baked products turned out to be responsible for weight gain. Moreover, during researches, a lot of massively commercialized snacks were analyzed and it was proved that they contain an extremely high level of non-saturated fats, which are known to be detrimental for the human organism.

As for what could be done to deal with the current situation, institutions are interested in possible ways to control the stages of the wheat production. For example,this would help them in defining new rules and nutritional bounds that each component of the final flour cannot overcome. Furthermore, governments should promote among people the importance of clean eating, encouraging everybody to avoid products that have been excessively refined. Not only this would be beneficial for their general heath, but also this would directly address the obesity issue.

In conclusion, a consistent proportion of the world population is currently facing up with diseases related to obesity. However, scientific research showed that there are ways to tackle this problem, such as monitoring the wheat composition and warning people from certain types of food.

aviniwirastri [Contributor] 10 / 35 11  
Apr 19, 2016   #2
hi, i'd like to give comments.

... financing resources to identify the reasons for this problem, soin order to develop strategies to avoid it. .

To begin with, experts showed that the main responsible for obesity is processed wheat .
As a result, pasta, bread and other baked products turned out to be responsible for weight gain.

corrections :
Experts showed that one factor contributing to obesity is wheat.
it was shown that its nutritional information is changed....

simple past in "turned out", "were" is not necessary, so simple present is best to use.
why? because there is no time signal referring to past events.


As for what could be done to deal with ...

comments : it is clearly showing what your point of view is. very nice..

thanks, i hope my comments will be useful.
suxiaojing 13 / 18 7  
Apr 19, 2016   #3
Hi,mormontre:
I should say your essay is really helpful to me, give me more ideas.

And there are some ideas you can use:
like constructing more sports facilities in residential area
Governments should launch a series of community activities and lectures to increase individual' awareness of the importance and nessecity of healthy lifestyle.
These ideas can make your essay more realistic and can convince the examiner.

Wish this can help you!
tria25 12 / 19 4  
Apr 22, 2016   #4
hello writer,
I notice that your writing is very good, yet there are some parts should be corrected as follows:

1. Because you don't mention the timeframe, it is better for you to use present tense not past tense.

2. It is better to check your grammar before posting it. I extremely sorry to say that, but I found some ungrammatical sentences in your writing.

3. In the first paragraph, it is better for you to simplify your issue and make your thesis statement clear.
Based on the question, you are asked to make problem and solution essay not cause and effect essay. Therefore, it is better for you to change the word of "result" into "solution" in thesis statement.

warm regard


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