Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Obesity and fitness: cause and solution - Ielts task 2


smvicp 3 / 4 3  
Aug 29, 2017   #1
In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

How to change our unhealthy lifestyle?



Currently, obesity is the most challenging problem among authorities and obese people. In some area, the rate of overweight is increasing while the health rate is decreasing. I firmly believe that obesity is a problem with a lot of solution frankly and these people could be cured without anxiety. In this essay, some other possible solution will be elaborated.

Knowing about the mainspring of creating the problem, is the first step to solve. Immobility is the main reason that is known. In some megacities, for example, in New York, because of competition, people should work a lot and most of these people have sitting work; so computer life and stress make people tired when they return home they do not have enough energy and time to exercise instinctively. So the more time pass, they become fatter and fatter. Moreover living in these cities has impacted on the eating diet; as far as, time limitation has forced the city dwellers to eat fast food which has dire consequences on their health. This sedentary lifestyle is another cause of obesity. In some families, children are getting involved with this lifestyle then become fat and unhealthy because their parents may not spend enough time for cooking healthy food; so inevitably, eating junk food has influenced children's life. Eventually, these reasons make people unhealthy and overweight.

There is a panacea for this issue; doing exercise which is the most effective solution. In some crowded city which people for longer hours, they have no time in doing exercise. Hence, there are some inventions solve their problem; like the bicycle desks which can be rolled beneath the workstation. So it helps workers doing works, losing weight and improving their health, and above all extending lifespan. Moreover, improving the eating habit has profoundly impacted on people life. Eating less full calories food, doing more physical exercise, and above all seize all opportunities to preserve the healthy by myriad and individual ways, are other more common and safe solutions to control obesity in adults and children.

In conclusion, today's lifestyle in big cities with stress have been harmed people, but doing exercise can solve the problem subsequently and relatively.

hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Aug 29, 2017   #2
@smvicp
You should condense your essay and write in a clear, straightforward way.
Some expressions are very confusing, thus making it difficult to see your points.
It somehow appears that you used google translate, or some other translation tools to finish this essay.
But the idea of the "the bicycle desks" really grabbed my attention, I did expect you to expand it in a more detailed way rather than saying that it helps "losing weight and improving their health".

Regards.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Aug 30, 2017   #3
Sarah, in order to avoid possibly insulting anybody when you share information in your essay, do not mention any specific locations. Keep your information based on popular information so that the essay can be read in terms of general applicability. When you mention a specific city, for instance, you limit the scope of the essay and the mind of the reader to just that city. The reader will not see a wider application for your reasons which will result in a less effective line of reasoning on your part. In your second paragraph, your first sentence has a distorted meaning. I am not sure what it is you are trying to say. Rather than saying "... is the first step to solve, you should have instead said "is the first step to solving the health problem." Since you are discussing obesity here, you must refer to that term a few more times in the essay in order to remind the reader that you are discussing obesity in particular because most the opinions and advice that you give could actually apply to any illness. Being specific is the key to keeping the reader on track with what they are reading. Try to expand your concluding statement to 3 sentences. That is the expected summary format for an IELTS Task 2 essay.

Your paragraphs go beyond the maximum 3 sentence requirement and often creates run on sentences. Try to keep your line of reasoning short by simply choosing to discuss one topic per paragraph. That is the expected discussion format and should be followed at all times. It creates a better sense of cohesiveness and coherence in the essay. Avoid run-on sentences or using semi colons and commas in order to extend a single sentence. When you do that, you create an unnecessarily long and usually boring sentence that does not become helpful in your information presentation.


Home / Writing Feedback / Obesity and fitness: cause and solution - Ielts task 2