IELTS Task 2 : Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

Nowadays, it is common to see increasing number of children often affected by various diseases especially obesity whereas, generally old-age people seems have such diseases previously. In this essay, we will explore the significant causes for obesity among young children and the possible measures to prevent it.

First of all, increasingly majority of people tend to focus on becoming wealthy rather than being healthy. In the process of earning huge sum, people often fail to pay attention to their family life, in particular, children's unhealthy eating habits. Secondly, technology plays a vital role in encouraging adolescents to adopt sedentary life style. In addition, recent days schools emphasize more on academic curriculum and highly reluctant in motivating students to participate in physical educations and sports events.

In order to curb above said, the emerging detrimental conditions among children, certainly, government should rollout strict rules like standardizing school syllabus to have mandatory extra-curricular activities especially sports. Parents should take lead over their offspring, by providing balanced nutritional diet and shape them up be socialize with the family members rather than being addicted towards computer games. Moreover, parents need to interact a lot and spend more time with children by involve them in outer-door activities.

To conclude, lack of parent's attention towards children, rapid technological growth and disruption happened in system of education are the major items which pose challenge on children's health which could jeopardize their future. However, considering the above said action items could help our children to being away from obesity kind of diseases and could save our future generation.

Well, I think I suggested you a structure for this introduction and it seems you haven't got it clearly. That structure helps you impress the reader about your writing and also it helps you earn marks. So, let's give a try to structure your intro as it suggests;

Today, the numbers of obese children are growing alarmingly . ... hook
In earlier generations, obesity had been an issue among the elderly people, and not among the children. ...(Background part 1 - Definition of the question)
However, obesity is highly prevalent among children and there are various reasons that lead to this problem... ...(Background part 2 - Importance of the question)
In my view, a proper nutrient diet and adequate physical exercises are the best solutions that can arrest this situation. .... your personal view

I am sorry Dumi. Though I understand what your are saying about the structure to follow in introduction. I somehow fail to reproduce in my writing.

I thought "Nowadays, it is common to see increasing number of children often affected by various diseases especially obesity whereas, generally old-age people seems have such diseases previously ." as the hook

and In this essay, we will explore the significant causes for obesity among young children and the possible measures to prevent it . to state my position or directing the reader by giving an idea about what I am going to talk in this essay.

Will try to improve further. Thanks for your patience in helping me to get required standard writing for IELTS

Well.... please don't feel sorry or bad. I didn't make any complain above and was just trying to help you with understanding the structure because I felt you haven't got it right. Hope it is now clear to you. It is my pleasure to help you improve your writing and also help you reach a good band at IELTS. Keep practicing your essays here and whenever I see them, I give my comments in view of helping your writing :)

Thanks Dumi. If you find time could you please go through the rest of my essay and provide me your valuable comments

.... well, these two words , increasingly and majority, tends to confuse the reader. Be careful when choosing words for your ideas because your priority should be to express the idea as clear as possible. Clarity of ideas matters more than showing your vocabulary knowledge. If your sentences are not clear to the reader, then that reflects much worst than having plain sentences with not many advance key words (but still the idea is clear to the reader)


Also, you should have more focus on what your prompt expects. It wants you to discuss -


... So tell them the more obvious reasons than vague or distant ones. Obesity directly deals with eating habits and physical exercises. So be straight and discuss them.

.... Don't let your sentences to be too lengthy. Restrict one idea to one sentence;
The government has a greater responsibility in addressing this alarming health issue. It should introduce programs in school curriculum to make sure that every student takes part in extra curricular activities that involve physical exercises.


Parents too should be made responsible to provide their children with healthy nutrient diets that would not leave room for obesity.

Hi


To my mind, there are not so many diseases among children today,and so try to focus mainly on obesity as a problem not disease.


You need comma before whereas not after.


You should avoid such structure of thesis statement in your essays
I did it before as well, it is really bad as it shows that you have a specific structure for all essay.
You could write: There appears to be several reasons behind obesity ,and so the best way to help modern children to avoid it would be to exercises and follow healthy diets.


If you mention 3 reasons in you paragraph,then you have to state a similar meaning in your topic sentence, because topic sentence reflects the idea for entire paragraph.


It is wrong to make such a long sentence as a topic one. You have to focus clearly on your main idea for the solution paragraph.


First, this sentence does not make sense to me. As well as I dont think you can use twice "which" in a row.

Good luck.