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Obesity has been proven to trigger many illnesses in children


Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Aug 21, 2016   #1
Summary Article Childhood Obesity

Obesity in children can make them get many diseases in the future. Between 1995 and 2011, obesity in children rose from 11 to 17 per cent of boys and 12 to 16 per cent of girls.The increasing number of childhood obesity make government think that they need to make a plan to tackle this problem. The plans are by increasing physical activities in schools and encouraging food companies to reduce sugar in their products. Kind of foods that need to reduce sugar such as yoghurt, bread and drink. In the first year, the company only need to reduce 5 per cent and gradually reduce to 20 per cent. Primary school also need to ensure that their students do physical activities at least 60 minutes per day. Government also has a strategy to give the money from levy on sugar drinks to school to support sports equipment and breakfast club. On the other hand, many people criticised this plan but government still have to do this strategy because it's a government duties to secure the health and future of the next generation.

Link : newscientist.com/article/2101573-childhood-obesity-strategy-stops-short-of-banning-junk-food-ads/

Wolf Larsen - / 127 47  
Aug 21, 2016   #2
Hello Faridadwi18

Some of the sentences sound little awkward. I adjusted them to sound as follows:

Obesity [...] has been proven to trigger many illnesses in children.
Between 1995 and 2011 [...] the rate of obesity in children has increased from...
The increasing [...] Such an alarming trend causes the government to be willing to apply an additional effort into tackling the issue.
The plans are [...] The currently used approach, in this respect, is to encouraging students to be physically active... and to eat products that are low on sugar [...], such as yogurt...

In the first year [...] It is hard to tell what are you referring to in this sentence.
to support [...] acquire sports equipment... (breakfast club) (??).
On the other hand [...] Even many people are highly critical of such government's strategy, it will continue being enacted because...

I hope this helped. Regards.
sus_007 5 / 20  
Aug 21, 2016   #3
Between 1995 and 2011 Better write in letters, Between early nineties of the twentieth century...
The increasing number of childhood obesity, The ascending population of obese children

Overall, the passage is all right, try using wider glossary, and i felt it quite non-cohesive, only write relevant statements.


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