Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7


'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society.


AAORA 1 / 6  
Jan 30, 2016   #1
Grammar Check of GRE Issue Essay Topic

Hey,
This is my first time in here and nice to meet you. Obviously, i am not a native English writer nor living in a English speaking environment. I would be very happy if you find any error in my essays. Then i can effectively help others around. :)

word count: 422
Words per Sentence : 23.4
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease 39.7 ( wish it would be 40+)

1-Progress should be the aim of any great society. People too often cling unnecessarily to obsolete ways of thinking and acting because of both a high comfort level and a fear of the unknown.

Progress is a necessity for individuals as well as societies of the world and time is the just measurement for all progresses. If some individuals in societies are prolific enough in either fields such as literature,art,architecture,industry or etc, societies would develop and people feel sanguine about their future. Otherwise, society tend to fall behind the era which means progresses fail to obviate the need of society. What is worse, gradually changed mindset of society moves away from productive thinking because obsolete ways of thinking and acting is in the scene. Therefore individuals in societies need to use their time to develop thinking in positive sciences to get rid of unnecessarily obsolete ways of thinking which preclude progress of a society in aforementioned fields. My arguments for these points are as follows.

First and foremost, consider Europe in middle ages when people was badly fall away from positive sciences and they tend to practice obsolete ways of thinking in order to maintain their comfort or not to fear of unknown. For example, surgeons were often monk or peasant who submit more pain to relieve pain and they did not know even human anatomy. Moreover, talented people were often condemned and prohibited from making further research in any fields to progress society. Literature, art were also suffering and lost their integration with society under the autocracy of ill mindset minorities .

On the contrary, if societies aim to progress continuously, their welfare would increase such a value that people do not need to perform unnecessary obsolete ways of thinking and acting. For instance, Rome was a place where people emigrate from all over the world because of constant progress in society. As a result, Rome welcomed talented individuals in literature, architecture, art and science as well as cultivated citizens. By this way, people lived in justice and comfort even they gave democracy, Latin alphabet,etc as a perdurable gift to today's modern man.

However, opponents may argue that rapid progress of a society may give harm to its people and China might be an example for this situation. People are working under harsh conditions too long to progress and increase welfare of nation, but they are deprived of benefits of progress. This is either not a preferable case or may not have long-term achievements as well as Rome sample.

Understandably, continuous and sustainable progress should be the aim of a society to develop open-minds which refuse obsolete ways of thinking and acting in more better living conditions.
nguyenvannam 5 / 11  
Jan 30, 2016   #2
- need to focus on on your structure. need clearer !

- Your content is quite good.!

- be aware with 2 paragraph with: on the contrary and however. It could reduce one in two words, or connect them to be a paragraph.

GOOD LUCK!
sntinn 8 / 36 9  
Jan 30, 2016   #3
Your response (from my understanding): Individuals in societies need to use their time to develop thinking in positive sciences to get rid of unnecessarily obsolete ways of thinking which preclude progress of a society in aforementioned fields. .............So you agree to the prompt.

Comments: First and foremost, you use the word "obsolete way of thinking" too often. "Obsolete" can be replaced with " out of date, outdated, outmoded, old-fashioned, dated, antique, archaic." Your work is readable and understandable. There are some grammar mistakes though.

1st paragraph
... as well as societies of the world, and time is the just measurement for all progresses.
... are prolific enough in either fields such as literature,art,architecture,industry or etc , societies would develop ...
Otherwise, society tends to fall behind the era,which meaning that progresses fail to obviatebe inthe need of society. What is worse ?,Gradually changedFix mindset of society moves away from productive thinking because obsolete ways of thinking and acting is in the scene . Therefore, individuals in societies (...) which preclude sthe progress of a society in these aforementioned fields. ...

2nd paragraph
... Europe in middle ages .whenP eople was badly fall away from positive sciences, and they tend to ...
For example, surgeons were often monksor peasant who submit more pain to relieve pain, and they did not ...
... making further research in any fields to progress society in any fields . Literature,and art were also sufferinged and lost their integrationvariety/diversitywith society underbecause of the autocracy of ill mindset minorities.

Comments: A problem that I have seen here is that you are trying to use GRE vocab. It might be a good idea to show that you know a lot of vocab; however, the problem is you are using these words without thinking about its meaning. For example, 'peasant' means an ignorant, rude, or unsophisticated person, which has nothing to do with 'monk.' 'Priest' is a better option. Also, please, check the definition of 'integration' which means combination, and it has nothing to do with 'not withholding the out-dated thought'. So, I think 'variety' or 'diversity' are more suitable to your content.

3nd paragraph
On the contrary,I f societies aim to progress continuously, their welfare wouldwill be highly increasedsuch a value thatbecause people do not need ...

As a result, Rome welcomed as well as cultivated talented citizens in literature, architecture, art, and science . By this way,As a result,people are lived in justice and comfort many scientific and art (...) Romanian's culture even they gavewhere people were (...) an unconventional actionsdemocracy, Latin alphabet,etc as a perdurable gift to today's modern man .[/quote]

Comments: You need to keep moving on, and avoid making redundant sentence. Here, I already provide you things that you may have mentioned.

4th paragraph
... may give harm to its people.and China might be ...
People are working under harsh conditions too long to progress and increase welfare of nation, but they are deprived of benefits of progress. This is either not a preferable case or may not have long-term achievements as well as Rome sample.

Comments:The sentence is marked red because I cannot understand what you are trying to say. Additionally, your example should be more specific rather than making a generalization over technological development of a country. One of the examples that I can think of are some related to the bomb in nuclear factories which are the result of humans greed and ambition to make everything too fast, without a good security check. Making a good argument for GRE is not just to give an example, but a very good example that really represents the situation................However, I think that this paragraph is digressed, here. It seems to me that the point of this paragraph should be an opponent to your argument, saying that at some extents, the opponent is necessary. That is, at a certain situation, the society may gain benefits, if people occasionally attach to obsolete ways of thinking and acting. But this paragraph is now talking about the negative effect of making a very aggressive move.
OP AAORA 1 / 6  
Jan 30, 2016   #4
@Stinn , i am appreciating your adorable comments. I also want to discourse a few point about it :

1. Did you remember the GRE-Issue topic : "Government funding of the arts threatens the integrityof the arts."
In here, the idea was if government fund arts by thinking its profit -not for the sake of universal arts- , artists would stay under the pressure of government. Therefore artists might fail to produce original pieces of art.

By the same way, here in the essay above, i try to tell that monks might also threaten integrity of positive sciences.
OP AAORA 1 / 6  
Jan 30, 2016   #5
@Stinn , i am appreciating your adorable comments.
I understood that you have been preparing for TOEFL and probably you have already gave your GRE exam. Am i wrong ? Now, I also want to clarify/discuss/correct some of your comments .

1. Did you remember the GRE-Issue topic : "Government funding of the arts threatens the integrityof the arts."
In here, the idea was if government fund arts by thinking its profit -not for the sake of universal arts- , artists would stay under the pressure of government. Therefore artists might fail to produce original pieces of art.

By the same way, in the essay above, i try to tell that monks might also threaten integrity of positive sciences.

2. monks and peasants role are : ( too interesting:)
.... To relieve the pain, you submitted to more pain, and with any luck, you might get better. Surgeons in the early part of the Middle Ages were often monks because they had access to the best medical literature - often written by Arab scholars. But in 1215, the Pope said monks had to stop practicing surgery, so they instructed peasants to perform various forms of surgery. ......

REF : oddee.com/item_96620.aspx
OP AAORA 1 / 6  
Jan 30, 2016   #6
@Sntinn , 4th paragraph was really awesome as you said !! I was in a hurry and I do not know how i wrote that paragraph.
Maybe i am jealous of China's development subconsciously :P . Actually, i thought China and progress might be somewhat connected interestingly.
Now i know that greed and ambition to make everything too fast and deficiency in security checks are the problems of over-development. Well, why does people accept these destroying conditions ? Don't they protest things for the sake of human rights ? Why not they stop working under harsh conditions together ??
sntinn 8 / 36 9  
Jan 30, 2016   #7
Hi AAORA, :) You are welcome. From your OP,

Therefore artists might fail to produce original pieces of art.

Yes, now I got it. I think you explain well with the new paragraph in your OP

Surgeons in the early part of the Middle Ages were often monks because they had access to the best medical literature - often written by Arab scholars.

By the way, there are some tips about examples that you may give in GRE. Some people use news as samples to support their reasons in GRE writing. It may be useful for you. From what I know, it seems that you need to provide 'specific' examples to support your reasons.

By 'specific', I mean it can be about either the 'specific event' or the 'specific person'. For the specific event, you have to give a specific story about the events. There is a plus if you can really mention the name of place and time. Because the centre of this story is about the event, rather than a person, a benefit about this is that you can make up a person name and a story about the person in that event.

For the specific person, usually we will use a famous one, so we need to state his name properly. It seems that the information related to that person must also be universally known, too (so you cannot make up a story in this case). The some biography about famous US president also has been used a lot in many examples of GRE writing.

Cheers,


Home / Writing Feedback / 'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳