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IELTS: Office and technology / young people working - introduction paragraph


Jun 9, 2014   #1
Hello experts, I need your advice to build good introduction paragraph in IELTS writing task 2. Thanks in advance.

Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.

Technology changes people's life. Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility for employers to work at home rather than going to office. As a result, some people believe that working from home brings many benefits for office workers. However, it can be felt that computers and modems help workers to do much working activities, while those technologies can be a hindrance for employers to commit with their responsibility.

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?


Teenagers are the new generation power of nation. Young people in some countries do not have enough spare time, then they life in under line of happiness to do hard studies. In my eyes, most of people have a tendency that a degree of informal school is the main term to get a great future and the atmosphere of competition in class drives children getting stress. Thus, this case can be measure with a parental approach and physical activity to make balance the time between academic and leisure activities for their children.

Jun 10, 2014   #2
Teenagers are the new generation power of nation. Young people in some countries do not have enough spare time, then they life in under line of happiness to do hard studies. In my eyes, most of people have a tendency that a degree of informal school is the main term to get a great future and the atmosphere of competition in class drives children getting stress. Thus, this case can be measure with a parental approach and physical activity to make balance the time between academic and leisure activities for their children.

I don't know if I have reached expert or not :) But here is my opinion. If it's wrong, feel free to tell me will you :)

Teenagers are the new generation power of nation.

I think it's grammatically wrong? maybe "Teenagers are the new generation that holds most power of the nation" seems clearer?

Young people in some countries do not have enough spare time, then they lifeas they livein under line of happiness to do hard studies

Well I don't think this sentence well support the previous one, I see no relation much don't you think?

In my eyes, most of people have a tendency that a degree of informal school is the main term to get a great future and the atmosphere of competition in class drives children getting to stress.

Well I see your point, however if you write "most people agree that" for "have a tendency:' means they are about to do something right, or are on a trend to do sth.

Thus, this case can be measured with a parental approach and physical activity to make balance the time between academic and leisure activities for their childrenthat children spend on academic and leisure activities .

Technology changes people's life.Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility for employers to work at home rather than going to office. As a result, some people believe that working from home brings many benefits for office workers .

Well as for me, this intro and specifically these sentences are problematic. Well, because

Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility for employers to work at home rather than going to office.

doesn't mean that

working from home brings many benefits for office workers.

see? You should rewrite your intro :)

However, it can be felt that computers and modems help workers to do much working activities, while those technologies can be a hindrance for employers to commit with their responsibility.
Jun 10, 2014   #3
I think it's grammatically wrong? maybe "Teenagers are the new generation that holds most power of the nation" seems clearer?

Teenagers holds strong power of the nation.
How about this sentence above?

I had re-written this sentence. could you check it?
Technology changes people's life. Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility for employers to work at home rather than going to office. As a result, some workers believe that working at home could be done by using modern technologies as well as doing a job at office.

Salmon, thank you so much for your suggestion.
Technology has changeds people's life. Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility forallow employers to work at home rather than going to office. As a result, some workers believe that working at home could be done by using modern technologies as well as doing a job at office. (This sentence is really saying the same thing)
Jun 11, 2014   #5
Teenagers holds strong power of the nation.

great!

Technology changes people's life. Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility for employers to work at home rather than going to office. As a result, some workers believe that working at home could be done by using modern technologies as well as doing a job at office.

Well I think this sentence is less confusing, but like eddies, I have to say you shouldn't use it in your essay :)
The prompt ask you to discuss how

Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.

right? Then you should say why is it good? Maybe it is the time flexibility or money-saving one?

If I were you, I would write:

Nowadays, the technological advancements have offered humans many different ways to work. The coexistence of modems and computer, for instance, help white-collar workers carry out their tasks in their comfort zones at home rather than at distant offices. In my opinion, laborers should be encouraged to work from home to increase their effeciency and secure their pocket.

how do you think?
Jun 11, 2014   #6
Dear eddies and salmon,
Here, I try to rewrite introduction and attempt to be a balance view. I really need your suggestion.

Introduction paragraph
Since 3 decades ago, technologies have changed people's life. Some sophisticated technologies allow employers to work at home rather than go to office. So, labors should be encourage working from home. While computers and modems provide an efficiency and flexibility for office workers, sometimes those devices create misunderstanding and inaccurate information in some tasks.

Conclusion
In conclusion, it seems to me that technologies help workers to work from home, but not all duties can be done by using technology from home.

As a result, some workers believe that working at home could be done by using modern technologies as well as doing a job at office. (This sentence is really saying the same thing)

Hello Mr. eddies, I had re-written this sentence below.
As a result, some workers believe that working at home could be done by using modern technologies and it is better method of working than work at office.

Hello salmon, great intro and i really like it.

Nowadays, the technological advancements have offered humans many different ways to work.

HOOK

The coexistence of modems and computer, for instance, help white-collar workers carry out their tasks in their comfort zones at home rather than at distant offices.

BACKGROUND

In my opinion, laborers should be encouraged to work from home to increase their effeciency and secure their pocket.

THESIS
Jun 12, 2014   #7
SinceFor 3 decades ago , technologies have changed people's life. Some sophisticated technologies like the internet allow employers to work at home rather than go to office. So, laborer s should be encourage working from home.( you should not declare it right here) While computers and modems provide an efficiency and flexibility for office workers, sometimes those devicesthey create misunderstanding and inaccurate information in some tasks.

Is this better?

In conclusion, it seems to me that technologies help workers to work from home (well you have used this phrase in the intro, so I think "reduce the working distance " is better :) ), but not all duties can be done by using technology from home ( well some words have been repeated! Maybe "using technological advancements " don't you think? ).
Jun 12, 2014   #8
Hello Salmon,

Absolutely, this is excellent intro and conclusion. I had written full essay using this prompt. Could you check it?

Thanks in advance.
Jun 30, 2014   #10
Technology changes people's life. Some sophisticated technologies provide possibility for employers to work at home rather than going to office.

Well, you seem to be repeating a little bit of the first sentence in the second one. It is good to avoid that. This is what I suggest;

Technology gets people to change their lifestyles. This is very evident with advanced communication technological solutions that have caused a decline in the need for people commuting to their workplaces.


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