Hi. Here is my essay for the topic of preserving old buildings. It was really nice to receive feedbacks and responses from you in the previous essay. Here is the prompt.
Prompt: It is too expensive to look after and repair old buildings. This money should be spent on building modern buildings instead.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
I DISAGREE AND I THINK OLD BUILDINGS ARE SO IMPORTANT THAT WE SHOULD PRESERVE THEM
It can cost a great amount of money to renovate and restore antique buildings. Therefore, people believe that there should be more emphasis on the construction of new buildings. From my personal perspective, I totally disagree with this opinion and will give my reasons below.
Many old buildings are considered as the world's historical attractions, which make great contributions to the tourism industry of the economy. That is why it can be inferred that the destruction of these buildings can be equivalent to a hard blow in the industry. Taj Mahal - an ancient castle built in India is a clear example for this claim. It is widely known as a mausoleum and praised by the UNESCO as a heritage site that needs protection. Due to the timeless beauty and historical importance this building attaches, it has attracted thousands of tourists from all over the globe every year and contributed greatly as India's national treasure. Thus, the loss of this wonder means a significant damage to the economy in India, proving that old buildings can play an important role in the tourism industry.
In other case, ancient buildings can signify great sentimental values; the irreplaceable charm that modern houses cannot be compared to. This emotion, such as patriotism, can stem from the significance that these buildings have. In Vietnam, the house on 48 Hang Ngang Street brings national pride, as it is the place where our first president wrote the "Declaration of Independence", thus ending years of slavery and opening a new era of liberty in the country. Throughout time, this house has turned into a small museum, where a handful of important historical documents from the time of war are preserved.
In conclusion, I disagree that there should be more attention to modern buildings, because old buildings can also contribute significantly to the economy and reminisce great memories of the past.
It can cost a great amount of money to renovating e and restoring e antique buildings could cost a great amount of money. Therefore, people believe that there should be more emphasis on the construction of new buildings should be emphasize in respect of city development.
2.Many old buildings are considered as the world's historical attractions, which make great contributions to the tourism industry
of the economy. That is why it can be inferred that Thus, the destruction of these buildings can be equivalent to lead to a hard blow in thetourism industry.
3. It is widely known as a mausoleum and
praised was selected by the UNESCO as a heritage site that needs protection. Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753
The essay prompt is talking about old buildings in general. There was no reference to historical buildings and UNESCO Heritage Sites. Whatever gave you the impression that you should be discussing these buildings in this essay, which are protected buildings and as such have a restoration, renovation, and maintenance budget every year ? The discussion refers to simple buildings that were built in the olden times. For example, a 6 storey walk-up building , that does not have any historical significance and was built in 1973 (20th century) would be too expensive to maintain and repair in the 21st century. While still usable, such a building requires heavy maintenance costs because of the need to upgrade the building to modern architectural and safety standards. Do you think that type of building needs to be maintained? Or would it be better to build a new building in its place instead? Remember, historical buildings will never be in danger of going decrepit and the fact that the building is obsolete has no relation to its maintenance budget and whether it will remain standing or not. Its historical significance will indicate it can never be torn down.
Phrase number 2 that examiners hate reading: "will give my reasons below". This is considered to be a memorized phrase learned during IELTS lessons. Don't use it in practice tests so you won't use it during the actual test. Try to use a different sentence structure. You could instead say "Based on personal reasons, I have to strongly disagree with this statement." Or something similar. Just don't use memorized phrases in any part of the presentation.
You only have 40 minutes to write this essay. You are constantly writing too many words. Don't go over 5 sentences per paragraph. You need to show the examiner that you can explain yourself clearly using less words. As long as you write between 250-290 words, you will be able to get the best possible score. Why? Consider that you will be able to double check your presentation by writing a median number of words. The focus is on the meaning of your paragraph and the speed by which you can explain yourself in English. Qualities an ESL student must display while in class. Write more than the advised word count and you will certainly be including irrelevant information in your essay. Something you have been doing ever since in your Task 2 writing tasks.
"These" is the plural form of "this". in the noun phrase "this building attaches", your previous reference is for the plural form of buildings so use "these", not "this". That presentation represents a noun phrase disagreement.
I owe you a score from your previous essay. Let me score this one instead. Your writing skills in this essay could pull in a 4.5 It was the TA section that severely pulled down your score. It was caused by your reference to UNESCO and world heritage buildings and historical buildings in Vietnam within your discussion. Topics which were not related to the task being discussed. The topic was partially addressed in the sense that you responded correctly to the question posed. However, the response is leaning more on the tangential side. The concluding summary is incomplete in summarized information presentation. You still need 3-5 sentences there. Imagine that, even though you kept on writing, you still missed out on some scoring requirements. All because you focused on the number of words instead of quality of the presentation and required formatting elements.
Your grammar does not show any extreme grammar errors. You still have imperfect grammatical presentations but these do not affect the meaning and understanding of your sentences in relation to the paragraph. Good job ! Your GRA scores benefited from your ability to use complex and simple sentences along with proper punctuation usage.
However, the wordiness of your essay shows that you are unable to explain yourself in concise English terms. You over explain in the essay, which could be a problem for you during the actual test. Use a timer, make sure you write within the 40 minute time limit. That includes review and editing time. If you can't do it, repeat the writing the essay. Keep repeating the essay until you write, review, and edit within 40 minutes. Then you can say that you are capable of writing an essay within the time frame. How well you wrote, is what I will be assessing for you.
@Holt Thank you so much for your feedbacks. I still have some questions regarding to the essay. Can I email you personally?