Hello everyone! I am new to this forum :) Please give some comments on my essay so that I could know how to improve my writing skill. Any help will be highly appreciated.
Topic: Young people are said to have lost many of the traditional values of the older generation. This does not matter, because the old values have no relevance in the modern world. We need to develop a whole new set of values. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Every region in the world has its distinct custom and traditional values. However, many adolescents have failed to preserve these old values. Some people argue that this is of no importance, as the old values are no longer relevant in the modern society, and that a whole new set of values should be created instead. Personally, I strongly disagree with this point of view.
To begin with, it should be borne in mind that there are a large number of old beliefs that are still appropriate to this day. By way of illustration, students were expected to be obedient and respectful to their teachers in the past, and this value is still undoubtedly true nowadays. In fact, it is a precious moral value, as it can have a very positive influence on students' traits of character. Accordingly, I believe that such values should be preserved and fostered instead of being abolished.
However, there is no disputing the fact that some values are not relevant any longer and may inhibit the development of our society. A typical example of this is the problem of gender discrimination, which used to be very common in some Asian countries over the last centuries. At that time, woman were considered inferior to men and were treated unequally. In my opinion, this is a completely wrong belief and must be done away with. Nevertheless, such irrational beliefs are in the minority, thus we only need to abandon them rather than develop a whole new set of values.
In conclusion, although it is undeniable that some old beliefs may have an adverse effect on our society, there are many valuable ones that are still relevant in the modern world. Therefore, I firmly believe that people should not abandon all traditional values, but make an effort to save and promote precious ones.
Hi ,I am not a native speaker and struggling in IELTS essaies, so I can't do the correction for you concerning grammars and structures.
However, there is one point that I'd like to share with you . I think you should focus on those irrelevant believes or values, because that is the question asked. So the first main paragraph doesn't seems to be convincing enough because you tried to prove the old believe is relevant to modern society. As we know ,task response is always in the priority.
Every region in the world has its distinct custom and traditional values. However, many adolescents have failed to preserve these old values. Some people argue that this is of no importance, as the old values are no longer relevant in the modern society, and that a whole new set of values should be created instead. Personally, I strongly disagree with this point of view.
.... This is well written - it contains all necessary features of a good introduction. Only think I can comment on is the hook. I wish it was more relevant to the topic.
By way of illustration, students were expected to be obedient and respectful to their teachers in the past, and this value is still undoubtedly true nowadays .
"still" makes "undoubtedly" redundant.
This very good writing. Hope you managed time well :)
Support your reasoning with a more specific example. It helps you earn marks for this task.
Well.... in the introduction you expressed your opinion as you do not agree that old values have no relevance to modern era. So, you should keep supporting this view throughout your essay. There is no point in showing the other side of the argument. Give another reason why old values are important for today's world. If you wanted to talk about both sides, then in the introduction you should have taken a moderate stance.
Thank you very much. In this paragraph, I wanted to support the other side of the issue and then refute it. Is it not OK to do so in this case?
That is not a bad idea if you could refute it. But in this case, you do not provide reasons for refuting and in fact acknowledge that it is good to live without such old values. So, the purpose is not met here. It is always easy when you take one side and keep giving reasons to justify the side you took. Also, you should provide examples for your reasons to convince the reader.
