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IELTS - Writing task 1 IELTS Oman and Spain Populations by its citizens' age

yasabh 2 / 2 1  
Dec 11, 2019   #1

past, present and future of populations from Oman and Spain

A breakdown of the citizen ages in the two nations in 2005 and the forecast for 2055 is depicted in the pie charts.

In 2005, both the youngest and the elderly had the same proportion of initially 48% in Oman, while the middle age one emerged at 4%. In Spain, the younger generation was seen as the lowest portion with 14%, whereas the oldest had the largest percentage of 62, and the people aged 15-59 was the second biggest fraction with almost a quarter.

By 2055, although the population of younger people in Oman is predicted to increase to 6%, that of those will remain the minority, while the population of the oldest people is envisaged to have growth by 9%. In Spain, the number of the elderly will be shown a decline, but there will be an incline of the figure for the middle age people, being the greatest one in the state.

Overall, the population of the youngest will drop considerably in Oman, whereas the middle-age portion in Spain will be likely to rise dramatically. Meanwhile, the figure for the elderly in those countries will still prevail as the hugest of all ages.

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Dec 12, 2019   #2
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing. I hope that it somewhat helps you in your learning.

Generally speaking, there's nothing glaringly wrong about your writing. However, there are a few things that you can be more mindful of to improve the flow of the composition in its entirety.

Firstly, to omit the possibility of being misunderstood, sticking with very basic structural patterns for writing can go a long way. This doesn't have to mean that you are basic and would know only of the most fundamental parts of writing. However, this will surely help you reactivate that sense of balance that is often stripped from essays when you try "too hard" to incorporate complexity. For example, divide the second paragraph's first sentence into two shorter ones. Do the same for the third paragraph.

The observations you had in your conclusion were also lacking. You focused too much on superficial observations; hence, it seemed more like a summation than a conclusion. A conclusion should be observing what these statistics actually mean from a subjective viewpoint. In that way, you aren't going to be lost in translation.
Ghitamalia 3 / 4 2  
Dec 12, 2019   #3
Hi @yasabh I just notice that you've made some grammar mistakes, let me correct it for you:

Paragraph 2 :

In 2005, both of the youngest ...
... the lowest portion percentage with 14%, ... the largest percentage figure of 62 (what did you want to say?)... biggest fraction proportion with almost a quarter.

Paragraph 3:

... to increase (up) to 6%, ... remain as the minority...

hope it helps
irsaqisthi 3 / 6 5  
Dec 12, 2019   #4
Dear Mr. Yasin,
I would like to give some feedbacks on your essay.
1. ... percentage of 62%
2. second biggest group accounted for a quarter of population
3. You might want to add adjective to give better explanation, exp. a noticeable growth, a slight incline, etc.
4. There will be an incline in...
5. Middle-aged people
6. the greatest one in the state => the largest population in the state
7. hugest of all ages => biggest of all age groups

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