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[Toefl] One change that should be remembered about 20th century...


combatant 2 / 3  
Sep 13, 2011   #1
This is my first essay as a part of toefl preparation. Have my exam in 14 days. please provide your inputs. And, lemme know which are the areas that i should improve on. Thanks a ton.

There were many important advancements in twentieth century. World wide web is an important advancement that has took the world by a storm. The advancement of internet,search and social networking sites made the information more easily accessible. Actually, this world wide web contributes a lot to education as well.

First, the advancement of internet made information come closer to the people. Previously, information was not easily accessible to everyone. After the advancement of internet people were able to access information easily. For example, a guy sitting in a village from a very under developed nation like jamaica can access the world class educational videos from premiere institutes like MIT, Stanford or Harvard. Information is made available to the people very quick because of the advancement of internet. Before we used to rely on news paper for news. A person can get the latest information only after 24 hours the incident has happened. With advancement of internet, news is transmitted in seconds.

Second, this advancement of internet made so much information available to people. But, the information was not easily accessible. Reason being user not knowing where to go for proper information. This lead to a need for searching of information. This twentieth century has seen advancement of many search engine like google, bing, duckduckgo. They index the information present in the web and make it easy to access for public. The information needed for public can be searched through these search engines. These search engines helped in the advancement of world wide web which in turn benefitted the common people.

Third, social networking sites made the world wide web look more lively. Searching information and locating of information is a one way process. The advancement of many personal networking sites like facebook, myspace, orkut made people come close together through online. They made information sharing, experiences exchanging and contacting people much more easier. Professional networking sites like linkedin has brought professional information exchange. The games in the social networking sites act as a fun activity for kids. They completely changed the world of human experiences.

In conclusion, world wide web played a prominent role in the advancement of human life. Internet, searching and social networking, which are part of world wide web has brought a huge revolution in retrieving of information and exchanging of information. Advancement of education has happened because of this world wide web.

basawang 10 / 76  
Sep 13, 2011   #2
1. You have to put "the" in front of "twentieth century".

2. Internet, World Wide Web, and Jamaica are proper nouns. Therefore, the initial letter should be capitalized.

3. The past participle of "take" is "taken".

4. "Newspaper", not "news paper"

5. You repeat some words too many times, such as make, advancement, access. Try to use some synonyms.

Good luck
OP combatant 2 / 3  
Sep 13, 2011   #3
Hey baswang!!
Thanks a lot for your help. I really appreciate it.I can find many mistakes with my writing. I guess, I have to improve a lot. And, I don't feel cohesion of my essay is good. Thanks again baswasng for pointing out such minute mistakes which are making my essay look awkward.
abc1400 17 / 32  
Sep 13, 2011   #4
You should write uppercase the first letter of these words "facebook", "orkut", "bing", "linkedin". As the basawang says these are proper nouns.


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