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One and multiple idea paragraph. IELTS writing task 2: making body paragraph

azmi23 17 / 28 3  
Aug 28, 2016   #1
it is my exercise on making body paragraph 2 (italic) that is a contrary to body 1 which was given before. There are two types of body, one idea paragraph and multiple idea one.

The question is in bold

please give me suggestion and correction to make more powerful body sentence. thank you for your generosity for reading my writing.

Q: there have been major advances in technology over recent decades and this led to significant improvements in people's lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One idea paragraph:
Body 1:
The main benefit of modern of technology is that people's lives are much more convenient. This is because we are able to do many things without having to stay at the office or home, something which is extremely important given the busy lifestyles of today. For example, most people now have a mobile phone or laptop computer, and Wi-Fi is available in virtually every place. As a result, people are able to do their work, liaise with colleagues or friends, and check their emails anywhere they choose such as in coffee shops or while travelling on a train or bus. There is no doubt that this has improved people's lives in many ways and this would not have been possible without improved technology.

Body 2:
However, those breakthrough gadgets are more likely to affect our health issue, especially cellphone. The radio waves, which are transmitted from mobile phones can disrupt our body. According to The Federal Communications Commission (FCC), said that radiation of radiofrequency exposure from handset can generate long-term effects of radiation waves on the brain. So, it is no doubt that there is a possibility to increase heath risk on cancer specifically which one of the most dangerous disease to lead human's death. That is a strong evidence for us to be more concern on addiction of smartphones.

Multiple idea paragraph:
Body 1:
There is no doubt that modern technology has improved people's lives in many ways. Firstly, people's lives are much convenient because we have devices such as mobile phones, meaning that people can communicate when and where they like, not just in the office or home. In addition, people are living much longer lives due to the advances in medical technology, with doctors now able to carry out complicated heart surgery and other operations that were not possible many years ago. People's lives have also improved around the home. Evidence of this can be seen with all the devices that are now readily available to people that save time such as microwaves, washing machines, and dish washers. None of this would have been possible without advances in technology.

Body 2:
However, our addiction in nowadays social media which are more frequently accessed by smartphone, can cause several negative effects. The first of all is human relationships problem. It was not need any scientific proof that we eventually have a situation when during an intimate gathering, like family dinner or holidaying with some friends. We are likely to be connected in virtual conference through Instagram or path in spite of face-to-face conversation that is more effective to tighten our bond. The next one is about health issues. Researchers, especially related to medical sector, have found several problems which are caused by handset, such as increasing of stress level. It is a result of depression and sleep disturbance for having too much time floating on internet. Then, it is further confirmed by Live Science media that stated blue light which transmitted by gadget screen can trigger hypothalamus to stop creating sleep hormones. The afore mentioned mix of opinion and evidence reveals that the comprehensive caution is critically needed to diminish several problematic issues including our body and surroundings.
ekalamarsyari11 72 / 108 9  
Aug 29, 2016   #2
i would like to highlight your one idea paragraph:

This is because we are able to do many things.....
it has made us able to do many things more easily

and Wi-Fi is virtually available in virtually every place

people are able to do their work,such as liaise with colleagues or ...

no doubt => you can say undoubtedly or in fact as well in order to avoid repetition.

i think it is a good body paragraph with one main idea. However, you should make complex sentence more properly because sometimes a simple sentence is more appropriate

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