IELTS ONE - The percentage of Australian's citizen did some activities

Thanks to everyone who will help me to give suggestions to this writing.

fit australians in different age

The bar graph describes Australian's people did regular physical activity in 2010 divided by age groups

In the youngest age, between 15 to 24, the men was started with 52,8% than women almost 50% did physical activity. Meanwhile, it was surprised where the men with age 25 to 44 were decreased dramatically, it only reached nearly 40% and women keep moving to 53,3 conducted regular physical activity in the age category 45 to 54.

On the other hand, the men activity was gradually increased to 46,7% in the latest age classify whereas the women group was dropped by 47.1%. There was a unique percentage where the last groups between male and female almost had a little different only one percent respectively.

Overall, both men and women conducted regular physical activity had decreased in the 65 years old and over. Although female lower than male in the youngest age but their had an increased at ages 25 to 64 than men.

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Below are some suggestions:
between 15 to 24, the men was started with 52,8% ... (( the *age group* between 15 to 24, the percentage of men who did regular physical activity was 52.8% while women's percentage was only 47.7%. On the other hand, surprisingly the other age group has much different ratios, with women percentage exceeding men's .... )

I think you should elaborate your thoughts using more words, instead of shortening and summarizing the essay in an incomprehensible way.

Yoga, while you did write more than the minimum 150 words, I feel that you neglected to fully develop the report analysis based upon the bar graph information because all 4 of your reporting paragraphs only have 2 sentences each. This clearly indicates that you did not bother to fully analyze, compare, and develop logical explanations based upon the obvious relationships between the presented percentages. There is a minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph with a maximum of 5. If you write less than that per paragraph, your essay will automatically be deemed under developed and end up being scored low on the C&C scale. This could, in turn, affect your GRA presentation because you will not have written enough words to string together and develop a mix of simple to complex sentences in your presentation. So the essay will probably not get a passing score or, even if it does, it will be a barely passing score, which will not be good for your university application consideration based on the results of your international exam.

Thanks for all suggestions. Hopefully can help me to be better. ==