Please help me refine my essay, thanks!
Topic:
Which one do you prefer, to live in a big city or in a small town?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Some people prefer to live in a big city, while others tend to live in a country. The life in a small town may benefit to people's health for less stress and pollution. Nevertheless, there are many advantages for people living to live in the city, such as more facilities, more job opportunities and higher quality of education. For my inclination, I prefer to live in a big city.
First, there are more facilities available in the city, such as convenient public transportation. We can take subway to almost anywhere within only several minutes. However, there may not be such convenient subway in the country, so we have to take a bus, which is much slower than the subway does.
Secondly, big cities provide abundant job opportunities. Numerous people create various needs and thus many jobs. For example, restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers. More household machines in need of repair require more engineers for maintenance. In contrast, population in the country is much less than that in the city; hence the employment rate is much lower/ ,as do employment rate in consequence .
Would this one be better?
Lastly, big cities lend more chances for high quality of education. Well-educated people should know something about everything and everything about something, said Mr. Ford. There are various resources and information readily available in the big city. The residents there can easily acquire books, shows and movies in different fields. On the other hand, those resources might be difficult to obtain for inhabitants in the country.
In sum, I incline to live in the city for those benefits discussed above. Big cities provide more facilities as well as more chances for employments and education. Although there are less polluted environments and stressful lifestyle in the country, these advantages cannot outweigh the attractions for me to choose a big city as a living place. After all, people are people and we all have our own propensity. Residence/ habitation is one of them.
1.Restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers.
Why should "would" be deleted?
2.For my inclination, I prefer to live in a big city.
I tried to put some transition words to make the sentences develop more flowly.
How to improve it?
Good transitions.
I have some suggestions for parts of your essay, posted below.
-The life in a small town may benefit to people's health for less stress and pollution.
-Nevertheless, there are many advantages for people to live in the city (maybe change this to "living in the city"? I think it flows better), such as more facilities, more job opportunities and higher quality of education.
-For my inclination, I prefer to live in a big city. (You do not need "For my inclination". The sentence becomes redundant.)
-For example, restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers.
-In contrast, population in the country is much less than that in the city, as do employments (I get the idea you're trying to get through, but it sounds bad. Perhaps you could try "hence the employment rate is much lower.").
-Well-educated people should know something about everything and everything about something (Really?).
Overall, great essay!
hello yecochi,
i saw your essay, which has good point to support you essay. it's good essay.
I will take toefl test next month, hope we can be friend and help each other.
good luck!
Restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers.
Why should "would" be deleted?
It wouldn't, if you were trying to convince a large group of people to move to the city. This is about what YOU prefer. If more people moved in, or started using the restaurant, the restaurant would need/could hire more employees. A restaurant in a rural area would most likely have a much smaller staff list, because it would not need/couldn't afford more employees. Perhaps I misunderstood the intent of the sentence.
