Time taken 30 minutes. Thank you in advance for your feedback, small or big I am looking for every correction in my essay.
To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
Every society is characterized by different culture, traditions and customs. We live in a society which have its own beliefs and contention, some are traditional and some are modern and practical depending upon the education and nature of the people forming the society. I believe though cities are a part of the society but society is defined by the people who live in a the city.
I would like to describe it with my own experience as a girl raised in a metropolitan city with good education and services provided in our city. Our city though a small one but is considered to be the country's most well planned city and every second person's dream for a good life . By the definition , the city is supposed to have a well educated society with rational thinking and pragmatic life, but this is controvert. The city is inhabited by mixed culture due to influx of various people from the small villages to huge metropolitan cities. This has led to a diverse cultural society with different beliefs and traditions. I was surrounded by the people from very strict conservative thinking to ones with the most modern approach towards life due to the manifold culture being established here. Thus , I believe that to understand the important characteristics of a society, it is refutable to study its major cities.
Furthermore , as it goes with the adage: 'Survival of the fittest' , people change places , their cities in order to find better opportunities away from their own society and plans to settle at a place where one would get enough money to support their family and also other luxurious benefits. Least of the people care for the society but for their benefit. Thus , in this race for gaining excellence and shifting cities it is hard to distinguish the society according to cities. For instance, presently we are living in a foreign country with different culture and is surrounded by the diverse culture from different countries, some are here for education and some are here for money and jobs. We are living in a neighborhood of the same culture as of us and this does not let us feel different from the society we used to live. Thus this again rebuts the premises for understanding the society culture on the basis of study of the cities.
Paradoxically, cities do tell us about the society if we study it as a whole. For instance, New York City if we see tells us about the modern beliefs and fast running life of a society. Grossly, the city is defined as a society with vivacious lifestyle as a sparkling star with high class people and high cost of living. But to study the major characteristics we need to identify the people living here having a particular lifestyle. There is a high number of homeless people contradicting the rich culture of the society plus the city is more boisterous compared to elegance , thus making it controvert if cities can decide the characteristics of the society.
In a summary, I would say that studying the cities may give us a gross idea about the society but due to 21st century and race for competition , the cities can not be defined as the parameter for the societies' characteristics.
Sakshi, your essay shows that even though you wrote the essay under time constraint, you have managed to develop a convincing discussion based upon the prompt provided. By using your personal experience to portray your support of a particular stance on the matter. Such references always help to add to the credibility of your claims as the author of the essay.
Its is very obvious that you tried to impress the examiner with your vocabulary skills. You tried to use impressive "big" English words in the essay. It was an excellent effort on your part, but totally unnecessary for your essay. One of the students that I used to tutor for his IELTS test also tried to use as much impressive sounding words in his practice tests but he always used it in the wrong way so it just ended up damaging the message of his essay. When he learned to use the simple English words that he understood and knew that the reviewer could also easily understand, it became even easier for him to write his essay. Needless to say, he passed his test with high marks because he kept his essay simple and easily understandable. While his grammar was not as perfect as it could have been, his message was clear to the examiner. That should be the sole aim of your essay, nothing more, nothing less.
So, let's work on cleaning up your essay shall we. :)
